Wedding Planning Widow

Dear Peter & Molly,

I'm in love with a man, so in love, in fact, I'm going to marry him. In almost every respect he is a hard worker, considerate, and proactive. It's really important to me that my man be a hard worker. As we've been planning our wedding and reception, though, he seems to just be an observer. I've tried to bring up the subject several times, and he just thanks me for all the work that I'm doing. He has occasionally asked what I want him to do, but it always seems like I have to be the one in charge of everything. We're in the same marriage prep class, and afterwards some of us were all talking about how stressful planning a wedding can be, and he said, "the way I keep from getting stressed, is just look at it as me getting married and everyone else throwing a party for me." Is this a sign of things to come? How can I get him to help out without seeming to become a nag?

Thanks,

Wedding Planning Widow.

Molly: Widow, I don't want to get off on a tangent, but if he makes you feel like asking him to do something reasonable, like you know participate in his own wedding, is nagging, I think it may be a sign that deep down he feels like family issues are your concern only, and he may occasionally be nice and drop by to help. If he's a hard worker, like you say, it doesn't mean there's no hope, but it's time for a serious conversation, about both of you owning the work of your relationship.

Peter: I just don't think it's that big of a deal. When it comes to wedding planning, there is definitely this impression that it's a woman's territory, and men should avoid adding extra opinions that would just add stress. So he's probably trying to be helpful by getting out of the way. If you want to give him charge, though, you have to be prepared for him to do it his way. If you want him to take over, and then do it the way you want, you don't really want a partner, you want an employee.

Molly: Yes, but she has brought up the subject several times, and he's just blown her off, and saying that your wedding is "everyone else" throwing a party for you, goes beyond trying to helpfully get out of the way.

Peter: I'm just worried that Widow had what she wanted to begin with, and then forced her fiancee to do things the way she wanted, and so he just gave up and got out of the way.

Molly: Well, that's a lovely generalization, thank you Peter.

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Should She Go to Reception?

Dear Molly and Peter,

My cousin is getting married next month. I got an invitation to the wedding, and could attend except for my relationship with this cousin. She's several years older than me, and had just ended a relationship she had thought would work out, when I got married a couple years ago. She attended the reception, didn't bring a gift, and was rude to me and my husband, saying she hoped our marriage turned out better than she thought it would. She then used the rest of the evening to loudly complain to my other guests about how much she hated men, and how she hoped she never got caught up into the marriage thing again. Well I guess she changed her plans, because now she is hoping that I will attend her reception. I've managed to avoid the situation by not talking to her since that time, it's only been a couple of years, and there's never been an event in the meantime that we both would have attended. I don't want to go, but my mother says that my absence would be much more rude and conspicuous than what she did, and that if I put up a fuss it could put a long term splinter in the family. I just don't want anyone think that you can behave the way she did without any consequences.

Sincerely,

Quiet Cousin

Molly: Quiet, I think that you should probably realize that one bad day two years ago should not haunt your cousin for the rest of her life. I know that that one day happened to be your big day, and you feel like her behavior was a personal attack. I imagine that there is no one more embarrassed or self-conscious than your cousin, a little forgiveness while hard will go a long way, and it'll make you feel better too.

Peter: I might be inclined to agree with Molly if your cousin had ever expressed any remorse. I hate to be crass, but since we don't witness weddings at receptions, there's two purposes to an invite to a wedding reception. One, I want to see you, two, I want to celebrate with you. Your cousin clearly didn't want to do either, yet she attended your reception and you saw the results. Now, you don't want to see her and you don't want to bring her a gift to help celebrate, after she stiffed you, so you have no reason to attend hers.

Molly: While Peter's advice might help you avoid the hurt that your cousin caused, it's not going to help solve it. You can't avoid your cousin forever without someone noticing and asking what's up. Are you really resigned to missing family baptisms, weddings, birthdays and holidays because of a bad day (even if it was a really really bad one)?

Peter: Well okay, but this isn't just any family wedding/holiday/dinner whatever it's the cousin's wedding who hurt her. Yeah you probably need to see her and patch things up but the place to do that is not at her wedding. You don't want to come into her wedding and embarrass her by mentioning what she did, even if it's just to bury the hatchet, because you'll come off looking no better than she did. Use a simple excuse of a previous engagement that can't be changed to help both of you save face, and save all your friends and family from a second awkward evening.

Molly: Perhaps the most embarrassing thing you could do to her is bury the hatchet yourself, attend the wedding, congratulate her and mind your manners.

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