Wedding Planning Widow

Dear Peter & Molly,

I'm in love with a man, so in love, in fact, I'm going to marry him. In almost every respect he is a hard worker, considerate, and proactive. It's really important to me that my man be a hard worker. As we've been planning our wedding and reception, though, he seems to just be an observer. I've tried to bring up the subject several times, and he just thanks me for all the work that I'm doing. He has occasionally asked what I want him to do, but it always seems like I have to be the one in charge of everything. We're in the same marriage prep class, and afterwards some of us were all talking about how stressful planning a wedding can be, and he said, "the way I keep from getting stressed, is just look at it as me getting married and everyone else throwing a party for me." Is this a sign of things to come? How can I get him to help out without seeming to become a nag?

Thanks,

Wedding Planning Widow.

Molly: Widow, I don't want to get off on a tangent, but if he makes you feel like asking him to do something reasonable, like you know participate in his own wedding, is nagging, I think it may be a sign that deep down he feels like family issues are your concern only, and he may occasionally be nice and drop by to help. If he's a hard worker, like you say, it doesn't mean there's no hope, but it's time for a serious conversation, about both of you owning the work of your relationship.

Peter: I just don't think it's that big of a deal. When it comes to wedding planning, there is definitely this impression that it's a woman's territory, and men should avoid adding extra opinions that would just add stress. So he's probably trying to be helpful by getting out of the way. If you want to give him charge, though, you have to be prepared for him to do it his way. If you want him to take over, and then do it the way you want, you don't really want a partner, you want an employee.

Molly: Yes, but she has brought up the subject several times, and he's just blown her off, and saying that your wedding is "everyone else" throwing a party for you, goes beyond trying to helpfully get out of the way.

Peter: I'm just worried that Widow had what she wanted to begin with, and then forced her fiancee to do things the way she wanted, and so he just gave up and got out of the way.

Molly: Well, that's a lovely generalization, thank you Peter.

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