I am getting married to a wonderful man who joined the church only a couple years ago. I understand that getting married in the temple is a tremendously sensitive topic for his family. They don't understand why he won't simply get married in what they call a normal way, and then do the sealing stuff later. They figure since we can do it later anyway, choosing to do it now is simply a way to punish them. They even say that we could have the ceremony in a Mormon church, which they feel is a large consolation. He has not budged from wanting to get married in the temple, but he has said that he wants a ring ceremony, and that he would like it to be elaborate, in many ways the ceremony he is describing is like a wedding ceremony, minus the legal commitments. I don't want to take anything away from the sealing, and so this had made me a little uncomfortable. My mother on the other hand is furious. She thinks that a ring ceremony is a mockery of the temple, and that it's unfair to compromise our beliefs. "He's a Mormon now, and his parents have to get used to it." I definitely understand my Mother's point, and honestly all the hoopla with the ring ceremony makes me uncomfortable, but I feel like my fiancee is giving up so much already, what should I do?
Thanks,
Stuck between a ring and a hard place
Molly: Stuck, it sounds to me like you are marrying a good man that loves his family very much yet still puts the gospel first. The counsel from the church allows ring ceremonies, as long as they do not include the exchange of vows, so let him have it. I know that this will upset your mother, but disagreements about the changing of traditions (especially while it's still within church guidelines) are tiny in comparisons to giving up seeing your child get married. You will be richly rewarded by allowing your in laws to feel like they are a bigger part.
Peter: I understand what Molly is saying, and I agree that you shouldn't try and provoke your soon-to-be in laws, but, this is not a wedding between your parents and his parents, it's a wedding between you and him, and you both want to be sealed in the temple. You haven't twisted his arm to get him to this point, so it's totally reasonable to express your concerns about the ring ceremony.
Molly: Marriage is not some kind of large scale negotiation where you stake positions and then try to find common ground.
Peter: No, it's a very intimate agreement, between two people, and you need to be reasonable and come to agreements, but you haven't come to an agreement, because he wants an elaborate ring ceremony and you don't. So you can say something about reigning in the parts that you think are the most elaborate and take away from the sealing earlier in the day.
Molly: If you do that, Stuck, make sure that you never frame the issue as one where he is not being righteous enough, or not following the counsel of the prophet enough. Talk about things in terms of what makes you uncomfortable, and why. I still think that the feelings of his parents should be considered though, and that this is one issue that if you let it go, you will reap rewards in the long run.
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