Future In-Law Trouble

Peter and Molly,

I can't stand my sister's fiance. He's from out of state and so he's had to visit our home on a couple of occasions. They met at school, and so we haven't really gotten to see him in his element, he's always on "vacation" when he's here, and boy is he ever. He never offers to help around the house, even things as simple as offering to do his own dishes. Both times he left his room a big mess, with lots of trash that was never cleaned up (which always falls on me, because my sister goes back to school at the same time he leaves.) Also he somehow manages to never bring anything he need, so when he comes we constantly need to run around the house, or town finding shaving cream, deodorant or whatever other necessity he may have forgotten. My sister swears that she loves him and that he's a hard worker, and good to her, but when he's here he always says passive aggressive things to her like after dinner once I said I had eaten too much, and he looked at my sister and said "it's a good thing you never have that problem," but he obviously meant it sarcastically. She chuckled it off. They're not planning on getting married until this November (rather than during a summer or winter break, when I could come without having to find a substitute to teach my classes.) So there's still a little bit of time to scare her away from him, if I should. Should I mention anything to my sis, or just let it go.

Any help appreciated,

Started Inclining Loony

SIL, you can only pick half your in-laws. Scary as it may be your siblings will marry whoever they want, and you're stuck with them. That doesn't mean you have to put up with outright abuse or rudeness, neither of which your potential BIL seems guilty of. He seems to be mostly guilty of taking a little too much vacation while he's off between school, and not explaining the inside jokes of his relationship with his sister to you. Perhaps you should start looking for the good that your sister sees in him before you grow forever embittered at this couple.

While you could certainly have a worse potential in law, I have to disagree with Peter that just because he's not abusive means you should put up with it. He is a guest in your home, and honestly you are just the sister, I'm not sure why after the way he behaved the first time you didn't have him stay somewhere else. It's possible your parents, or a neighbor could help out, and little secret he could always find his own room while he's visiting. If you were her mother I'd understand the pressure to be more hospitable, but even then, you simply need to explain what the standards are, and then if he can't meet them he doesn't stay.

I suppose it's possible to say to family that if you don't do what I tell you to do then you have to rent a motel when you're in town, but that doesn't seem like the best way to develop a good long lasting relationship.

The problem is that without standards set now the relationship will never be good, it will just be bad for SIL instead of for her sister's boyfriend.

I never meant that SIL has to give in especially when it comes to her home, but judging her sister's choice in spouse based on some trash, and grating social behaviors, while he's away from the day to day, isn't wise either.

With the wedding still so far away, however, it may not be the best idea to just admit that your sister is marrying him. You need to be supportive of her, regardless of what her decision ends up being, but that doesn't mean you can't say anything before then. Just make sure that when you bring it up you don't tell her that you dislike him. Help her see the same things you are seeing. Maybe she knows that he's a mess, but she doesn't mind cleaning. The one thing that bugs me the most however was his unkind comment to your sister.

It was an isolated incident, and the sister had no way of understanding what exactly he meant.

It is never okay for a man who is supposed to be the emotional support in a woman's life to imply that she is overweight or can't control her eating. I hate to make this into a big deal, but weight has become such a socially sensitive issue, that if a man can't figure out how to avoid the topic then he is rude, plain and simple. Ask 10 women and all 10 will tell you that his "joke" was hurtful. If that was more than an isolated incident, and you see him regularly make unkind remarks to her, it could be an indication that it may turn into an abusive relationship. If that's the case, you may want to talk her through some questions to determine if there is a real problem. I find the best resource is at thesafespace.org this is a simple list, but they have a lot of great resources around the site.

Of course it also could have just been a joke. Thanks for all the letters. 




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