Should Daughter Have to Make New Friends?

Dear Peter and Molly,
I live in a pretty tight nit neighborhood, and there are lots of children that are near my kids' ages. My daughter has struck up a particularly close friendship with a girl "Marlene." Her and Marlene do nearly everything together. Marlene is a fine friend, but I'm worried about my daughter because she's going to be starting high school in a year, and I want her to attend a school that focuses on high achieving students, and I doubt if Marlene will be able to attend. They have grown so close, that I'm worried my daughter will fight me on going to the better school so she can stay with Marlene. In addition it just seems inappropriate for a young girl to be so closely attached to one friend, what can I do to help her open up, so she can move on with life?
Sincerely,
Mother Knows Best

Peter: Mother, if your daughter were to write into us, I'd probably tell her to do what you tell her to, but since it's you writing in, I'll just say this, everyone has different lives. If your daughter is good friends with Marlene, then let it be, you admit she's not a bad influence, not everyone has to have lots of friends. The end of middle school is a normal time for school friends to part, I'm sure your daughter will understand, and since their neighbors they'll still have plenty of time to be together.

Molly: I agree with what Peter is saying here, but I'm worried that maybe there is more going on here than you're letting on and that perhaps Marlene isn't quite such a good influence. If that's the case let me give you a couple of ideas on how you can help your daughter make new friends. 1) Sign her up for new activities, whether it's dancing or art class or chess club, give her some place she can spend time away from Marlene. 2) Offer to throw slumber parties, and make sure the guest list is big enough. Since she'll be the host she'll need to interact with the other girls. 3) Give her new responsibilities at home, Marlene surely won't want to help with chores, so it will give your daughter some time alone to begin creating a separate identity.

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What Church Meetings Should They Attend?

Dear PaM,

Me and my roommate are having a fight. She says that going to Sunday School is optional, that as long as she goes to Sacrament and Relief Society, she's good, and can have a temple recommend, and so on. I just think that is silly. You can't say you're an active member of the church and skip an hour of church every week. What do you guys think?

Signed,

Loving Roommates

Peter: First of all, I don't know how I feel about Pam, I think I would even give Molly top billing if we could be Map instead. As to your question. Technically, your roommate is right, the required church meetings are Sacrament Meeting and Priesthood. So, I suppose even Relief Society is optional. 

Molly: Technically. But, I disagree with the whole premise of your question. Being a good member of the church is not a matter of checking off items on a list. If I was a firefighter, and never went to church at all on Sunday it wouldn't make me unworthy. We are all in different situations, and we should do the best that we can. So, if you are skipping Sunday school, because you're busy flirting in the halls are you really doing your best, are you striving to be like Christ? That's a question we all must answer individually.

Peter: We won't be judged on a checklist, but being a member of the church is about checklists, and they're there to help us. Temple recommend interviews are lists of requirements. We should use them to help lift ourselves to those standards. Our covenants are also lists of requirements we should be striving to meet. Knowing what is and isn't a requirement is helpful. 

Molly: More important though, is taking advantage of all the opportunities we have to grow as much as possible.

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Opposite Sex Lunch

Dear Peter and Molly,

My husband recently left his job to start his own business. He's been looking for suppliers, and has been back in the part of town where he used to work. Well one day, he told me that he had lunch with an old female coworker of his. She had called him, and said no one had lunch with her anymore, and so he invited her out. Thinking back, he did look awfully nice before he left that day, and he had just cleaned out his car. What gets me is that he has been trying to get us to go out less because money's so tight. He insists it was just an innocent lunch, and she paid for herself. Am I overreacting, or is this like cheating?

Signed,

Holding to my Man

Molly: Holding, I don't know what your husband's intention was, and neither do you, so you should probably take him at his word. He was going out for lunch anyway, maintaining old work contacts, is just good networking. The other details you've probably only thought of because it helps confirm your suspicions. 

Peter: A married man going out to lunch with a woman, not his wife, alone, is never a good idea. It probably was innocent, but it doesn't matter, it's an issue that just crosses the line, you don't want him to be in that situation. Don't accuse him of cheating, but explain to him that you don't want him to be in situations like that.

Molly: It's that attitude that will prevent people like Holding's husband's friend from getting ahead in business. If any married man shuns her. Business is co-ed now, and we have to deal with that reality. Trying to super impose sex onto any situation is not a healthy perspective.

Peter: Well it is a safe perspective, and if he wanted a work meeting, maybe there would have been another person or two he could have invited along to lunch.

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How to Turn Down Dates

Dear Peter and Molly,
So I'm sure my problem is one that a lot of girls would love, but it's still a problem and I hope you'll help. I get asked out a lot, by really weird people, some of them are creepy, and some of them are just not really my type. I'm not a teenager anymore, and so I don't want to go out with people when it will be a waste of both our times. But when I tell them that I'm not interested they never seem to get a clue. How can I turn them down without being cruel?

Signed,
Too Many Dates

Peter: Too Many, well you basically have two options. You can either go out with them, and honestly no matter how old you are unless you're worried about your safety I can't think of much reason not to, or you can tell them no thanks. You say you tell them you're not interested, and maybe you use those exact words, but that's not saying you won't go out with them, it's just saying, "make me interested."

Molly: You don't have to go out with anyone you don't want to, for whatever reason you don't want to. Some guys are a little dense, though mostly I blame the dating game, where so many people play hard to get. Then when you actually don't want to be gotten, they still think you're playing. My sister was an expert at turning people down firmly and amusingly. She once had a guy approach her and ask how many times she'd been asked out that night, she said, "Thankfully none, I'm not even close to attracted to anyone in the whole room." On another occasion a guy started a conversation and when he was done he wrote his phone number down and told her to call him, she looked at him handed it back and said, "No thanks, I won't be needing this." They may have been a little mean, but she certainly didn't have guys chasing after her.

Peter: Too Many, just don't worry about the guys' feelings. I promise you that dating you is not so important to them that if you turn them down you'll ruin their life. So don't worry about letting them down easy, just let them down clearly. Or you know say yes, not the worst thing in the world.

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