Should She Move to Stay with Roommate?

Peter & Molly,
Guys, I need your help. I don't make a lot of friends, and so when my first roommate and I hit it off, I stayed with her for the last 3 years . She's graduating at the end of the semester, and she's going to move across the country for her job. I'm happy for her, but I'm terrified. I just don't have anyone else. I'm thinking of transferring schools so I can go be her roommate. My family says I'm crazy. Am I?
Thanks,
Soul (Room)mate

Roommate, yeah. I don't want to seem harsh, but you're being unrealistic. What happens when your soon to be ex roommate gets married.

Transferring schools is a nightmare, you have to have a lot better reason than having a hard time making friends. If you really can't make friends, then you need to learn, and this is a good opportunity to do so.

The more I read your letter, the more I think this has more to do the way you feel about your current roommate, and less about your fears for the future. Many people fear finding new friends, but no one moves away to do it. It doesn't make any sense. You and your roommate have a long overdue conversation, include your bishop if it becomes necessary.

Maybe a friendly person like Molly doesn't understand, but social anxiety is real, and does lead to crazy ideas, but don't run from your fears, face them. Many colleges have on campus counselors, they may help you face your anxieties.



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Should Sister Lend to Her Deadbeat Brother?

Peter and Molly,

My brother lost his job about two years ago. He moved back into our parents' house, but wouldn't look for more work, and he eventually wore out his welcome. I'm not sure how he's making ends meet, but he has an apartment that he shares with some friends. He complains relentlessly, about how unfair the world has been to him, and how unkind our parents were. He has tried college, but quit, and had quit several other jobs before being laid off. He has never shown any ambition that has lasted more than a couple of weeks. He called me last week and said that he has found a cosmetology school that he'd like to go to, and that he could finish in a year, but would need $2000 tuition, he asked me if I could help out. I want to be charitable and non judgmental and he could really use the help, but this is also his hole to dig out of, and while I have the money, I don't want to throw it down a drain. What is your advice?

Stressed Out Sibling

Stressed, it sounds to me like your biggest concern is about whether or not your brother is actually going to stick with cosmetology and be able to make a career out of it. What you could do is offer him the tuition, but only if he finishes the program, and expect him to pay it back if he does not finish the program. Not only does that protect you, but it might give him the incentive he needs to stick things through.

It is a universal truth: Never lend money to someone you love that you ever want back. If you want to give the money to your brother, you can never ask for it again. So should you give it? In my mind it is an equation, is that much money worth to you the chance that you think your brother will finish the program. I don't know what your financial situation, and you're kind of vague, if you can afford the chance it works out than go for it, otherwise give him the number to a college loan office.

You know Peter, I'm a little surprised that you would be the one that tried to distill a human relationship to simple equation. There are a lot more factors in play here. Stressed's brother needs help, badly, he is out of work for years, and trying to get by on his last strings. So who should he turn to for help? The government, the church? Maybe eventually, but first he should turn to his family. That's what he's done, and Stressed should see her role in that. That doesn't mean she needs to be taken advantage of, but it does mean that she should focus on helping.

Then I guess the equation is (Chance he finishes + Charity constant)/Money sacrifice. Honestly I agree with Molly that you should help if you can, but you need to be very honest about the "if you can" part. 

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Does She Need to Put Up with Office Babble?

Dear Molly & Peter,

I just graduated from high school, and had a really hard time finding a job. I felt really blessed because after turning down a couple of jobs where I needed to work on Sundays I got a job working in an office. I couldn't believe I found something like that especially now when I know that so many people are having a hard time. So part of me just wants to suck it up and not say anything, but this has really started getting to me. I work surrounded by several women who have been friends for a long time. I reached out to them, and we are all friendly, but clearly I'm the new girl. The problem is what they choose to talk about, all of their sex lives. One of them is married, and two of them have boyfriends (trust me I know) and all of them are happy to share all of their various exploits in terms that are just short of graphic. Normally I can just not talk, and the couple of times I've been put on the spot I've been able to come up with ways to get out of the conversation, but I hate having to feel dirty after a day of work. What can I say to them or should I talk to my boss?

I appreciate it,

Dirty Ears

Dirty, it's nice to hear that you are grateful for your job, and your story about being blessed for how you chose to follow the Sabbath is inspiring. You certainly don't have to put up with everything that others choose to say, but one of the difficult parts of transitioning from being a child to being an adult is having to put up with what other adults do.

Having to endure tawdry stories all day that don't make you comfortable is sexual harassment, it doesn't matter that they're women or that you're the same genders. The only thing that you need to do is express to the women once that you don't feel comfortable talking about sex.

The best idea to keep peace in a new office is probably not to start quoting legal code to them. Many people use talking about sex as a social symbol that you are friends with each other. They may be signaling to you that they feel comfortable around you. Changing the subject or a simple joke like, "I don't think we're old enough to talk about that," should do the trick.

If you don't feel like you could bring up the subject with your coworkers comfortably then you should go straight to your supervisor or your company's HR department and express your concerns. They may have more specific ideas on bridging the issue, plus they have the power to talk about the issue in company meetings, or bring punishment if necessary.

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Facebook Posts on Politics

Peter and Molly,
So I'm a liberal Mormon, we're real, and I've gotten the impression that the two of you may be liberalish, though sometimes you say things that definitely aren't, so I thought you might have a good middle of the road look at this. I have lots of friends on Facebook from where I grew up, which is in the middle of Mormon country, these people are normally kind, but when it comes to politics and their Facebook page, they aren't at all. I was on a mission when President Obama was elected, and so it wasn't so bad, but now I'm back, and I just keep reading all of these people who call what he does socialism (I wish). Every time I read it, I want to hit my head against the table and call them out for being ignorant. Should I just ignore them, or do I have a responsibility to correct these blatantly false statements. If I do, how can I do it without sounding like the rude elitist I am.
Sincerely,
Facebook Foe

Dear Foe, wow, Facebook and politics in one post, did we hit the jackpot or what? Peter and I both share an apathy for politics. We are interested in governance and voting, but the fighting of how we get there I'd rather stay out of it, and we both believe that as Mormons we get to believe in everything that's true, whether it comes from scripture or from a university professor. We don't get to believe that President Obama is a socialist, because that's not true. You can respond to these posts in simple personal ways that will be hard to attack that talk about how his policies have benefited you. This helps you be honest, without having to make others feel bad.

President Obama is not a socialist in the academic sense, however, we have to understand that words change over time. The fact that so many smart people in the public sphere call his policies socialist, helps us to see that the word is not a single form of government but a comparison. (ie. That policy is more socialist than the policy I would have proposed.) Read this way, these statements are not inaccurate, they're just using sensational language to get a response.

I disagree with Peter, words have specific meanings, and if only half the country knows that a word's meaning has changed, it's not very effective. Perhaps a little bit of humor could correct the perception, "If Obama's socialist, Marx is rolling in his grave" or something similar.

Don't try and make fun of their political beliefs. If you can open an honest dialogue, like Molly's first suggestion, then I'm all for it, but cracking a joke on Facebook implying they're ignorant is not a Christ like way to go, regardless of your personal political opinions.

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