Should She Tattle on Smoking Priests?

Dear Molly & Peter,

My son is a Teacher. He isn't particularly good friends with the Priests in the ward but he has friends from school who are the same age. I guess the point is that I occasionally see the young men in the ward out and about. Usually it's nice to see them living up to the standards and being good examples of the church, but I saw something this last weekend that I'm not sure what to do about. I was going to pick my son up from the park where he had been doing some star gazing. I saw some of the men from our ward hanging out on the other side of the park, so I slowed down to wave at them, when I got closer to them, I saw them just as they were putting out cigarettes. This wouldn't usually be such a big deal, considering that everyone does dumb things when they're teenagers sometimes, and certainly it would normally not be any of my business, but the next morning those same two boys were on the stand blessing the sacrament. Obviously they hadn't had time to work things out with the bishop since the night before. Am I obliged to say something? Should I at least tell the boys that I saw them? What about the sacrament, should I attend another sacrament meeting so I can take the sacrament blessed by worthy priesthood holders?

Thanks,

Monitoring or Meddling

MOM, let me just answer your last question first. You should definitely still take the sacrament in your own ward. The center of the gospel is the Love of God. He will never withhold the blessings of the sacrament from you because of the misdeeds of another. You are not responsible for the sins those Priests may or may not have committed, and it will have no affect on how well you are able to renew your baptismal covenants.

As for whether or not to talk to someone about it, the bishop may already know that they are struggling, but felt that blessing the sacrament every week may help to keep them focused. Since you don't know, there's probably no reason to bring it up.

Of course the most likely situation is that they are simply thinking that they will never get caught like so many of us sometimes feel. Getting honestly confronted with your actions is exactly the kind of moment that can help lead someone to repentance.

But if you go to the Bishop about it, then the only thing he can do would be to confront the boys, and being confronted will make them feel "caught" by the church, and is unlikely to help in the long run.

I don't know that I would have ever stopped doing most of the dumb things I did if I hadn't been caught, but that doesn't have to come from a bishop, you could say something to them as simple as, "I don't want to have to feel like I'm keeping your secret. Get your smoking taken care of, I hope you can bless the sacrament again soon."

Also, MOM you could be nice about it when you see them.

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I think my friend's fiancee lied about serving a mission.

Peter and Molly,
Okay, so I have a really good friend, she's my roommate and she just got engaged to this guy. Now, I've kind of had a bad feeling about this guy for a while, but you know kept quiet since I didn't know anything. He plays the strapping Mormon guy part really well. Says he went on a mission to Argentina, talks about being an Eagle scout, really clean story, k? And so I'm at school, and I see him, but he doesn't see me. So I walk up to say hi. And he's talking to some friends eating lunch. They're talking about a mission, and complaining because girls only go out with RMs, so the guy says, well I told my gf I went problem solved. I couldn't believe it! I just left. But now I'm worried, I'm not sure it was him because I didn't end up going up to him, and I was kind of behind his head. But it sounded like him, and looked like him when I went up. Maybe he was lying to his friends, but. I don't know. Should I tell my friend what I heard?
Thanks,
Got a Little Secret

Secret, that's a lot of ifs and maybes, but from where I'm sitting, it sounds like you're trying to find a way not to tell your friend. You're like 99% sure it was this guy, and your friend deserves to know. Don't accuse, just say what happened, then leave it up to her. 

Peter's right about you making excuses. Where I differ is where he thinks you should just tell your friend and let it go. There's no way you can absolutely know the truth, but don't just drop this on her. Tell her you think she should figure this out. Guys can be very deceptive, and without you she could easily be swept back into his charms.

Being a supportive friend is fine, but even if he was lying about a mission doesn't mean the relationship is dead, so you have to give her enough leeway to stay if she wants to. You don't get to decide that she's breaking up.

Lying about a mission is a big breach of trust, and if she stays with him it's more likely because he managed to weasel his way around, than that they actually came to a new place in their relationship.



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How Soon to Start the Honeymoon?

Dear Peter & Molly,
So my wedding is in the morning, and our reception is not until that night. Even when you consider all the pictures after the wedding, and set up before the reception there is still several hours to kill in between. What should we do? I don't want to run off to our honeymoon suite, and then come back later to the reception and have everyone stare at us weird, but we would be married and so it would be awkward to arrive separately to the reception. I just want to do it right? Any ideas?
Thanks,
Stumped Groom

Dear Groom, here's the bottom line, before you got married your sex life was really no one's business. The church of course knows the blessings that come from waiting, and so that encouragement happens a lot. Once you are married, however, your sex life is really really really no one's business. So do whatever you want for those hours, and if anyone looks at you weird for spending the afternoon alone with your new wife, that's definitely their problem not yours.

OK, mostly I agree, but just do the rest of us a favor, don't leave a big hickey in a place that her dress doesn't cover. I know you're married, but she'll be the center of attention, and that's tacky in any situation. The other warning I have, is if this will be your first time, make sure you have plenty of time, and that she'll have plenty of time to get her hair and dress ready again for the reception (No one wants to see the tussled hair either). Honestly if you don't have 4 full hours, I might say go hang out together, but just play video games.

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Should Mom Apologize for Proselyting Tykes?

Dear Molly and Peter,

I have two children who are 6 and 8 years old. My next door neighbor has kids who are the same gender and age (roughly.) They moved in almost a year ago now, and the kids have become good friends. She’s a successful single mother, who is very busy, and so the two of us haven’t become particularly close. Last weekend my kids were at her house, while she was there, and then came home earlier than I had expected. My daughter (the older one) mentioned that they had been asked to leave. I didn’t think much of it, until the neighbor came by later in the week. She seemed quite upset and said she needed to talk to me. I invited her in, and she said that she had overheard my kids talking to her kids about how much they enjoy church and inviting them to come. I tried to explain that my kids did love church, and that I was sure it was a sincere gesture by my children, but that I would explain to them how religion was a touchy subject and to be more delicate next time. My neighbor didn’t seem satisfied at my explanation and said that my children had been offensive, and that she knew our faith tries to win converts, and didn’t expect that there would be a next time. What should I do? I don’t want my kids to learn that talking about the gospel means they lose friends, because deep down I’m proud of them for talking up, but I also want to keep the peace in the neighborhood.

Signed,

Missionary Mama

Mama, you just can’t win everybody over. It sounds like your neighbor is doing what many Mormon parents are accused of, and trying to protect their kids from the world. Mormons exist, and her kids are going to have to deal with us someday. Explain to your kids that missionary work is so important that sometimes it’s worth the sacrifice.

Kids say the darndest things, and I find it hard to believe that your neighbor wouldn’t understand that if you were being sincere. What it sounds like to me is that you were being a little defensive and trying to solve the problem on your own terms. Maybe you can solve the problem by apologizing yourself, instead of asking your kids to do it.

It would be a big mistake to apologize to your neighbor for your faith. You were right to stand up for your children, we shouldn't be embarrassed to want to talk to others about the thing that makes us happiest.

Peter, the problem is that she doesn't want her kids to be fighting in the missionary trenches, she wants them to develop good relationships from which missionary work naturally flows. Yeah missionary work takes sacrifice, but it doesn’t require your first grader to feel like no one on the playground will talk to her.

Her kids were the ones who brought up the church! Sure they may need to be taught how to be more tactful, but they’re little kids, and apologizing for them sends the wrong message about priorities.

We do not live in a world where you have need to decide whether to stand up for the church or have friends, especially if you’re a child. Missionary Mama, you should try to reach out to your neighbor, go out to lunch with her, offer her some help, and help her see that you care for her more than just as a potential convert, and my guess is she’ll extend the same greater understanding to your kids. As a busy professional, I’m sure she’d be grateful to have such convenient play dates for her kids so close by.


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