Roommate Involvement in Husband Choice

Dear Peter & Molly,

I've lived with a roommate for almost a year now, we're really close friends, when I first met her, she was dating this guy, and she constantly complained about him, especially about how little he respected her, and called her names and things like that. Fortunately she broke it off with him just a little bit after we met. Well over the past year she hasn't gotten asked out a lot, and then over Christmas break, she went home and apparently they got back together, because she called me today and told me excitedly that she got engaged to him! What should I do? I know I can't pick her partner for her, and I want to be happy for her, but I don't want her to get into an abusive relationship. What's the best way to approach the situation.

Sincerely,

Am I too Nosey?

Nosey, that your concerned is a sign that you're a true friend, and when you see her again, you should have a long talk about her engagement. Don't accuse her of anything, and don't tell her what she did was wrong, just ask. There's a good chance that he changed, a year is a long time. Also remember you only ever got one side of the story before. A good friend will help her make sure she made the right choice, but you're right to see that it is her choice.

Abusive behavior doesn't change in one year, without some serious therapy and repentance, and getting her to get engaged during a couple week break is definitely symptomatic of someone who is controlling and aggressive. When you're lonely, you are especially susceptible to the charms of a strong type. This is the sort of time when you have to tell the truth, tell her, tell her parents, be obnoxious about it, yeah it may hurt your friendship for a time, but she'll thank you when she finally gets out of this relationship again.

Molly, so sharing the gospel isn't worth losing a friend over, but telling someone who they should marry is?

This won't lose a friend, it will help the friend, you just have to have a big picture.

Nosey, you only knew this guy second hand, just about the time your friend broke up with him, I'm not saying do nothing, but you don't have nearly enough information to go on a rampage.


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Her 14 Year Old Sister is Dating!

Dear Peter and Molly,
     I am not the prettiest girl around, and my mother always made sure that I knew I could do more to be attractive, as a result I've struggled finding dates, and now that I'm old enough I've struggled to find someone to marry. I still have a little sister who's 14. She is much prettier than I ever was, and receives a lot of attention from boys. The trouble is my mom has never made a point of telling her about not dating until she's 16, and so she's already starting to go out with them, and she has even started calling one boy her boyfriend. My mom is either silent or encouraging this behavior. I don't want my sister to run into any problems, and I know that the standards are in place for a reason, but I'm not sure what I can do without seeming petty and jealous.

Thank you,
Protective Older Sister

Peter: Older Sister, I may be reading too much into this but it seems like you are being jealous. You're mother sounds like she was terrible and unsupportive of you and is now doing a better job with your sister and you resent it. You can't have a boyfriend without dating, but that's not my call to make. Your mother is simply trying to follow the standards of the church. It's hard when the way your parents view those standards change as you grow older, but they did the best they could with you, now they're doing the best with your sister. Try to be happy for them.

Molly: I might suggest taking your Mom aside and having a talk with her. Notice that it seems that her standards are changing, and you worry that she might be overcompensating because of the struggles that you had. Your om may simply want your sister to have more dating success than you had, and that's a big part of why she's changing her approach. Each of us are different though, and just because you didn't date as a teenager, doesn't mean that your sister has to. An open and honest conversation will go a long way to help your Mom see where you're coming from. Don't try and parent your sister, because you think your mom is doing it wrong, it's a recipe for disaster.

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Should She Skip Her Junior Formal?

Dear Molly and Peter,

I love your new column I think it's great. I'm 15, so some of the stuff applies, but a lot of it is still in the future, but it's kind of nice to hear about the exciting things that happen when you're older, and the problems that come up, because sometimes it feels like 15 is the worst year ever. Think about it, I wanna date, but can't for another year, I'm old enough to do things on my own but can't drive, for a year. The whole year is like sitting in a doctor's waiting room. It sucks. So I live in a place with not a lot of Mormons, and so I wanted some good Mormon advice. I don't turn 16 until February, but I'll be a junior at school which means that I can ask someone to the Winter Formal, cause it's a girl ask guys, but the dance is right before winter break, so it's like december 13th. I was talking to some of my friends, and we were saying all the things we were excited about for the next year, and they started talking about the dance. They're all older than me, most of them are already 16, and none of them are Mormon, so I said something lame about it sounding good, but I really want to go, and it's not like it would be a real date, because there's no guy that I like to go with, so it would just be friends, but it seems so unfair that just because I'm a little bit young I'd only have half my winter formals to go to. But I want to be righteous too, and do the right thing. What do you guys think?

Anxious for Winter

Peter: Dear Anxious, you don't have to have a date to go to the dance, you can go by yourself, or with some of your friends. You'd probably have more fun. First dates are super stressful. If anyone asks why you didn't ask someone it would be a great chance to bring up the church.

Molly: Anxious, I really feel for you, but I have to agree with Peter on this one. You know that you shouldn't ask someone on a date before you're sixteen, you just want someone to give you permission. It might be hard, but you're going to feel better making the choice that you know is right. If you go ahead and do it, you'll feel bad about it all night. Trust me I've done enough things I knew I shouldn't to know how bad it can feel.

Peter: Sometimes when we see hard lines in the gospel, we see that they're arbitrary and think that a little fudge won't matter. You're right, being 15 and 364 days really isn't that much different than being 16, but an important part of the gospel is obedience. Sometimes we do things just because we're told to. So in that sense 16 is a lot different than 15 and 364 days, because one follows the rule and one doesn't, and sometimes that's enough.

Molly: Besides this might give you a chance to have another fun activity with your friends. Invite them over to your house, play a bunch of music, and invite tons of boys. It won't be the winter formal, but I'll bet you'll have fun anyways.

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Should They Keep the Cat?

Dear Peter and Molly,
A cat moved into our backyard, my husband shooed the cat away, but he was right back a couple minutes later. He lay under a picnic table in our backyard. The cat has stayed there since. He has been able to catch some food, but I don't like seeing the dead birds and mice that I then have to clean up later. I want to adopt the cat, fix him and feed him, my husband thinks we should take him to a shelter, but I'm terrified that he'll be put down. What do you two think?
Sincerely,
Animal Lover

Dear Animal Lover,
We assume that there are no tags on the animal, and that you've seen no postings for a missing animal, is that correct?
Thanks,
Peter and Molly

That's Right

Peter: I'm not sure what you think that Molly and I can add to this conversation. This is a conversation for a husband and wife to have. Make a deal, or a compromise, tell him how important it is to you, but I can hardly come in and say what is best for your family. If you're simply looking for an outside voice to be a referee, I say that a pet is a big commitment and if one of you doesn't want one, you should probably go without. Many communities have no kill shelters, you can look into finding where the nearest one is to you.

Molly: I'm a huge softy for animals, and this is actually a conversation that we've had in my family. My family decided that it was a perfect time to add a pet, and that it was great providence that one that needed a home just happened to come along. If it's important to you, you don't have to give in just because your husband doesn't want one, unless there is a medical reason he can't. Create a budget and responsibilities list, if you can cover both ends, then have a talk with your husband and tell him the good news. If you need his help caring for the pet, then you need to try and get him on board, but cats are cute, it shouldn't be too hard.

Peter: Adding a pet is a major responsibility, you can't add to your family if your spouse doesn't want to. Money and chores are not the only issues to consider. This is not a matter of one getting the way over the other, it's about mutual respect.

Molly: Yes, so he should respect that she is an adult and can care for a pet if she wants one, and not try and micromanage her life.

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