Marrying a family

Molly and Peter (especially Molly),

Thanks for your blog. I really like your advice, it seems practical, and I think I could really use some of it right now. I've been dating this fellow for a couple of months. Things started to get pretty serious pretty quickly, and right now we're having a great time with each other, and thinking about the future, but wanting to wait a little while to make sure we make the right decision. There is one thing that has me worried in particular. He is a convert, which I love because he appreciates the gospel way more than most of the guys I've dated, but his family isn't members of the church. Not just that they're super inappropriate. I was embarrased to be with them because of how much they cussed, talked about drinking beer (and did it.) In fact I think I was hit on by every uncle in the room. My boyfriend did tell one of his brothers to knock it off when he crossed the line. I know that he isn't his family, and I shouldn't judge him on that. But I also know that you marry a family, and these people could be my children's grandparents, uncles and aunts. I guess my question boils down to, how bad can his family be before it becomes a deal breaker?

Sincerely,

Bad Enough?

Enough, it sounds like what you're starting to do is moving into a new phase of a relationship. You know you like him, but can he fit with you. This can be a hard evaluation to make because we are counseled that any two worthy Latter-day Saints can make it work. So you know you can marry him, but now you have to ask if you should, and sometimes that decision has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend, and everything to do with you. Sometimes we just can't live with someone who smacks their food. That probably says more about us then them, but it does say something about us, and remember you are half of the people getting married.

I know you want Molly's advice more than mine, but let me butt in anyway. You cannot cannot cannot dump a man based on something so trivial and ridiculous as if he smacks his food or not. It doesn't matter if you're the president of Clean Eaters of America, if you cannot realize that you will have things about your spouse that bug you, you will not find someone. Unluckily for you a family is more important than how you eat your food, and as you mentioned it will make a big impact on the way your kids grow up.

The thing about having non-member family is that it helps your children understand that not everyone lives life the same way. That's a good thing, you should want your children to see that, so they know that someone can do things we don't agree with in our faith, and yet we love them anyway. There are a couple of issues though that could be a deal breaker. Do you think your boyfriend's family would ever offer alcohol to your children? Do you think they would ever abuse or molest your children? I can't answer those questions based on your letter, but you need to be able to answer them, perhaps you could ask your boyfriend about your concerns. Since he did step in when you met them, I'm sure he's worried about the impression they made on you too.

Giving up a guy that you say is otherwise perfectly great, would be a big mistake.

Let me cut in again, you know what else should be a deal breaker if they can't treat you with respect. It's not a big mistake to not put yourself in a position to be sexually harassed, as you were while you were at his house. I agree with Peter that it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but your boyfriend should know that you will always come first. If he wants to marry you, and you didn't even mention if he did, then he should know that if his brothers can't keep their inappropriate comments to themselves you will not be visiting his family anymore.

Yet telling a man that you'll marry him as long as he makes his family behave a certain way isn't exactly unconditional love. The bottom line you have to ask yourself is whether or not this man is one that can help you reach your eternal goals.

What eternal goal? Getting into the Celestial Kingdom, it's not like only one person has the key, and even if you marry someone who doesn't get in themselves, it doesn't mean that you're disqualified too.

Yeah, but if you marry someone who you can't stand so badly that you can't keep your covenants over the course of an entire lifetime that can be a problem. If Bad Enough thinks that she's going to become a drunk by being around his family so much that she falls into it, then maybe she needs to stay away. We need to be aware of our own weaknesses and how potential situations will interact with it.

That's what I was trying to say.

If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook

Should Mom Speak Up About Pinewood Derby?

Dear Peter and Molly,
My son recently entered the pinewood derby for the first time. We had never been to one before, and so when the instructions came that the boys should work on the project while supervised by their parents, I suppose we believed them. How foolish! We showed up at the event with a series of beautifully painted and designed cars, and my son's car was trampled losing the first two races. He was embarrassed, and to make it worse at the next Den meeting they all made trophies for their own cars, he had to make a trophy for the award his car won, "Funniest car"--it wasn't funny on purpose. I'm not sure what to do, should I just have my husband make my son's car next year? Should I speak to the Cubmaster about their less then stellar awards? Should I talk to the bishop about the dishonest Pinewood Derbies?
Sincerely,
Pining for Equality

Dear Pining, isn't it great that your son can learn that the world is an unfair place in the protected environment of a cub scout pack. I agree that the approach is less than fair, all the kids should have an opportunity to learn how to make a car, but alas yours was the only one that actually did. Teach him to take it with a grain of salt, it will be a lesson much more useful than a little extra self-esteem from Cub Scouts.



Pining, don't make a big fuss. I know it seems unfair, but learn from the experience and next year you can either make a statement by being the only Bear that continued to do his own car, or get into the game, and have your husband and son work together more closely.



If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook

Is Bride Adding Invites for Extra Gifts?

Peter & Molly,

I have a quick question. I went to my mailbox today, and found a wedding invitation for a reception that is in two days! The bride is the daughter of our neighbor. Our family has known each other for decades, and we have occasionally been friendly, but never friends. I'm just not sure what to make of this invitation. I can't really RSVP, although it seems that tradition is all but lost in our culture anyways, but I'm not sure if the invitation is even serious, or just an attempt to extract another present. Should I go, do I need to send my regrets if I don't, am I obliged to buy a present.

Sincerely,

Hog Tied

In situations like these, I think it would be best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Even if it is very likely untrue, just assume that your friendship meant more to this other family then to you, assume that they sent the invitation because they want your company, and assume that it must have been misplaced somewhere along the way and that they intended for you to receive it weeks or even months ago. Then act accordingly, if you can make it go, if you can't because of a prior engagement, don't go, and no one is every obliged to buy a present regardless of when they get the invite.

I don't know that Peter's approach is entirely reasonable. You can't act like you got the invite months ago, because you didn't, so you can't make time for it on your schedule, and you can't thoughtfully choose an appropriate gift. I do agree that you should probably assume the invite is sincere, although I would be unfortunately unsurprised if it wasn't, but the timing of your receiving the invite, whether intentional or not, removes your social burden to respond, attend, or bring a gift.

"Social burden to respond"? What? I certainly believe in good manners, but good manners change over time and between cultures, and right now, in LDS culture, an RSVP is only expected if it is explicitly mentioned, ordinarily receptions are such simple affairs that they can easily accommodate a wide range of guest numbers.

 

OK, maybe the burden to respond isn't there anymore, but most people would think it rude if you didn't get a gift, in most cases. This case is an exception.



If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook

Should She Be the Other Woman?

Dear Everyone,

So, it's been a pretty cool first week, and I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did, but it's the weekend now, and so we're going to cut down to one problem a day. They should be fun, though, Saturday's are going to be the letter we thought was the most interesting of the week, we'll call them Salacious Saturdays, and then Sunday we'll answer the questions you asked that we're more spiritual/doctriney/churchey, we'll call those Sunday School Sundays, we'll have to come up with a better name next week, but it should be fun, so to all of our readers, lets dive into our first every Peter & Molly weekend.

Peter & Molly,
Thanks for asking me to send you a letter, I actually do have a problem and some outside eyes might help. There's this guy (isn't there always,) and he asked me out, and it was just dinner and a movie but still we had a good time, and then at the end he said he wanted to see me again! Great, right, so we set up a date for next Saturday, well in the meantime I'm talking to my best friend, and she's all excited because she has a date on Friday, with guess who, the same guy! So I don't know what to do, I know we aren't an official couple, but if he was that interested in me, maybe he could have managed to fit me into his Friday date slot, and secondly doesn't this strike you as just a little sketchy? Part of me doesn't want to go out with him at all, but even if I do, what do I say, "hey, how was your date with my best friend last night?" Should I expect my friend to cancel her date too?

Sincerely,
Not the Other Woman

Hey Other,
Thanks for the question, we were wondering though how old you are?
Thanks,
Molly & Peter

Molly,
I'm 18, but I'm in the YSA ward.

Other, what you should do is have something come up that you can't get out of Saturday night, and then never worry about him again. No, you didn't have a commitment to him, but trying to juggle dating multiple woman at once is not the sort of relationship you want to get into, either.

The only thing I agree with Molly about, is that you shouldn't bring up the date with your friend. Going out with more than one person at once is not a problem, until you're in an exclusive relationship. You're not. In addition, he could have already had the next date scheduled, when the two of you had a good time. It's not like he could cancel it. Go out, have a good time, don't rush getting into a relationship, just enjoy the time for whatever it is.

I understand what Peter is trying to say, but it applies to outdated ideas about dating. It would be nice if everyone saw a first date as just a time to go out, but no one does, and so this really does give you an insight into what kind of guy this is.

The kind of guy that wants a better dating culture than he was given? Even if this was a sign that something was wrong with this guy, don't just give up, there could be lots of other factors.


If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook