Thank You Notes

Thank You Notes

Dear Peter and Molly,

My son and his new wife got married at the beginning of August last year. They put on a nice reception and received gifts to help them start their home from many friends and family. I received an e-mail this week from my mother in-law (my son's grandmother.) She was wondering if he had received her wedding gift, and if so if they were planning on sending out thank you notes. I had always tried to teach my son the importance of giving thanks, and I know that he knew the importance of thank you notes for wedding gifts in particular, yet it seems that he has failed to send them out. I certainly don't want to tell him and his wife how to live their lives, should I say anything to them? How should I respond to my mother in law's e-mail in the meantime?

Sincerely,

Meddling Mamma

Meddling, meddle please. There is nothing quite so tacky as not sending out thank you notes for wedding presents. There are many reasons why he may not have sent the thank you note, they may be waiting for special ordered thank you cards, (These are becoming more popular, but they take too long to get back, they are a bad idea,) they may have legitimately not gotten his grandmother's present, or they may have gotten so busy with other things they have forgotten the second most important thing you can do after a wedding, so tell them. As for your e-mailer, your son is an adult now, simply e-mail her your son's contact information, and tell her that you hadn't heard, but that she can ask him herself.

I think that forwarding your mother in law his e-mail address is a great idea, but do that and don't tell him what to do, he can learn for himself when he starts to get more and more people curious about whether there gifts were received or not. Marriage is a very natural point to let your children learn consequences for their own decisions.

Amazingly I basically agree with Peter on the point that marriage is a great point to let your children go, obviously, but the consequences for not writing thank you notes are too high. You are basically choosing to alienate everyone who supported your getting married. That is a huge network of people that you need to be happy and successful. If your two year old was running into the street you'd stop him because he might be killing himself, this is kind of like that.

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Parents Don't Like Group Activities

Dear Peter and Molly,

     I am 14 and my "friends" which is basically just my church class go out to do things sometimes. Its nothing bad, just movies or mini golf or like that usually one of the parents drives them then picks them up when there done. My parents NEVER let me go! I know I should listen to them but how am I supposed to make friends???

Sincerely,

FriendLess

Friendless, what you do is just ask your parents what activities are appropriate for someone your age. Then plan them, and invite your friends.

Friendless, count your blessings. Having people to talk to at church and school is important, but going out on activities is not. Focus on your studies and developing your interests. Learning to be alright by yourself is an important trait.

More important though is learning social skills with others. Your parents understand that, so just figure out what parameters they have for you, then go make friends.

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How to Include Step Kids at the Wedding

Dear Peter and Molly,
My fiancee and I are both starting our second marriages. We're still reasonable young (at least I like to think so) and while I have no children, he has three. My fiancee has joint custody of the children, and so they will be a regular and important part of our family. I just wasn't sure how to include them in the wedding. They can't see the sealing, and it seems a little weird for me to ask his daughters to be my bridesmaids (they're 8 and 10) and of course there's no real role for a flower girl or ring bearer. Do you have any suggestions for how to tastefully include them?

Thank you,
Step Bride

Dear Step Bride, integrating others into the wedding is definitely different in LDS weddings since there are so few traditions that require other people. The upside, however, is that you can use them however you like. There are lots of jobs that you could create for them like someone to welcome people at the reception, someone to accept gifts, and depending on how your reception is being organized there may be many other places you could plug in a child and have them feel needed. In addition since being called a bridesmaid is largely just an honorific, there would be no harm done in giving the little girls the title.

My only concern is that the mother of these girl's may be hesitant to let them participate to a large degree in the wedding of her ex husband. I completely agree with Molly that those could be good ideas, but if their mother doesn't want to spend the time making sure they fulfill their assignments (because let's be honest at 8 and 10, it's not like they can drive themselves there) then don't insist. Ten year old's don't have particularly developed social sensibilities to offend.

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Scriptural Love

Dear Peter and Molly,
My roommate and I are having a fight. She's dating this guy who's company she likes, and he's super sweet, and even good looking, they have a lot to talk about, and he's a super hard worker. My roommate though keeps talking about breaking up with him, not because of anything he did, just because she doesn't feel butterflies when he walks in the door. I tried to tell her that romantic love is basically a new idea, and that real love doesn't need to have those butterflies, and that no where in the scriptures does it talk about romantic love, but she disagrees saying that of course the prophets fell in love, like Sampson. What do you two think?
Thanks,
No Fairy Tale for Me

Fairy Tale, I think if your roommate wants to break up with someone you should let her do whatever she wants, and since it sure sounds like you have a thing for the guy, as soon as he's free you should definitely go after him. On the more interesting question though, you're right, romantic love is a new idea that we've bought into. The scriptures never tell us to love our spouse before we marry them, just to love them with all our heart after we're married.

On the first part, I agree with Peter. I just don't understand why roommates think they have a say in one another's personal lives regardless of how ridiculous they are being. Friends have speaking power, but no voting power, so just let her be. I completely disagree on the second part though, having an authentic romantic attraction to someone is important. It is that attraction that can help you get through the inevitable difficult days of marriage.

Oh, and Sampson's a terrible example for anything. That's like saying well David slept with Bathsheba so it can't be that bad. I agree that attraction is important, though not necessary, but the guy is physically attractive,  it sounds like there's this idea that "yeah I think you're hot, but I'm still not attracted to you" what is missing, he's a good guy, a good partner, and good looking, there's no magic X factor.

Peter, there is and it's called love. You're right Sampson's not a good example, but he's not the only one. Listen to this, a quote straight out of the bible, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine." That's not platonic charity love, that's romance and it's right there.

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Should She Follow Her Best Friend to College?

Dear Peter and Molly,
When I was two I met "Jennifer" my best friend. We've been friends ever since, no matter what's happened, we've always had each other's back. Well she just got admitted into BYU for next fall, but I didn't. So I figure that she'd stay here with me, but she's been talking about probably going. I'm feeling alone, and betrayed, I didn't realize best friendships ended when high school did. What should I do?
Sincerely,
CC for Me

CC, friendships don't end when high school does, but joined at the hip best friendships do. I know it may be hard to hear, but it's part of growing up, and while I know it may be hard, you don't really want to hold your friend back just so she can hang out with you for a couple more years.


Molly: I guess, I'm not as pessimistic as Peter is, of course you can still be friends, and she can go away to school. There are other colleges in that part of the country, close enough you could even become roommates. Also there are other opportunities around there, non school, you may want to pursue. Also, she may have other school applications in, and when she hears from them, her plans may change.

The bottom line, however, is that eventually, except for the person you marry, you have to part ways with people, and you can try to hang onto it a couple more years, or you can both do what's best for yourselves now.


Sometimes maintaining a friendship is the best thing, just because your friendship will change, sometime, doesn't mean you have to give up on it now. Don't hold it against your friend for being excited about getting into college though.


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