Why So Much Cradle Robbing?

Peter & Molly,

Excuse me if this sounds more like a rant then a question, but I promise I have a question. I am 26, and I'm in a single's ward in a part of the country not known for having lots of Mormons, but the ward is plenty big, and we get people coming and going reasonably often. By all objective scales, I am not overweight at all, I am an outgoing return missionary, with a cute face, curves where they count, and a bubbly personality. I flirt, specifically and to the guys I want to ask me out. They don't. Ever. Ever. I have literally never been asked out on a date. It's not that there aren't guys my age here. There's a graduate school where I live that brings in older students. These guys are mature, motivated and I like many of them, and lots of them find spouses in our single's ward. Who are they marrying? 19 year olds, 20 year olds, sometimes even 18 year olds. These women are certainly sweet and innocent, but I can't imagine that that is the primary trait you are looking for in a spouse. I have desperately avoided coming off as desperate, I make friendships with men by participating in other activities with them (serving in callings, playing sports, etc.) Why do older men ask out little girls? What can I do to get them to ask me out instead?

Sincerely,

Not Desperate, but getting there

Peter: Getting there, you sound great, wanna go out sometime? Just kidding my wife probably wouldn't like that. She'd definitely not like that, she's whispering over my shoulder. I certainly feel for you, but there is nothing wrong with two adults dating each other. Our Mormon culture puts so much pressure onto men to marry that the last thing that we should be doing is cutting their dating pool down. Why do men continue to find young women intriguing? Our culture values youth, marrying young women takes off the pressure to start a family quickly, many of the most beautiful women marry young, maybe most importantly young women still like men. Women who want to get married, need a man to make that happen, and so when it doesn't happen when they want it to, they start to dislike men, and that makes it harder for a man to like you back.

Molly: I'm so glad that Peter had a chance to get that off of his chest, but it's a pile of rubbish. Why can we not tell men that it is a bad idea to make dating decisions based on, let's scan through his list here, youth, avoiding starting a family, beauty, and how much they appeal to their own vanity. I will definitely be proud to say don't marry for those reasons.

Peter: Those shouldn't be the only reasons, but we like to assume that if you're older you are obviously smarter, more mature, and have more to offer to a relationship. It's just not true, finding a marriage partner is so personal, that finding the right fit is difficult for anyone.

Molly: So what should women do who are never asked out like Getting there, just wait around and hope that these men feel like exploring the right fit with them. Don't say for them to be more aggressive, because that is the big reason everyone says that older women can't get dates because they seem too desperate. There are great women who aren't getting a chance because many men in singles wards have their priorities wrong.

Peter: It is not a priesthood responsibility to make sure that every woman in the singles ward gets a husband. It's just not. When men are looking for a spouse they should be asking who provides me the opportunity to accomplish my life mission, who can I help out, who will help me lead a family in righteousness. They shouldn't be asking, who needs to be given a chance.

Molly: So what should Getting There do?

Peter: Let me tell you a dirty little secret. Just about everyone that wants to get married does. I know that when you are in the middle of the hunt, it seems so hard, but if you want my honest advice, stop trying. Serve in your calling to serve, go to sports to have fun. Pray for a righteous marriage, but don't let it stress you out.

Molly: Peter is right about one thing, and that is that being lectured about who they should date by you, won't make the men in your ward any more likely to want to date you. If I could give you one bit of advice, and I'm an advice columnist, so I can, it would be to maybe spread the flirting out a little bit, you say you focus on one guy at a time, and that's good because it helps you not get a reputation as a flirt, so that the flirting still matters, but opening up your circle a little bit couldn't hurt, and may give you more opportunities.

Peter: The title of this blog post was Molly's by the way, big surprise. 

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