Why Can't She Make Friends?

Since you know how much we love themes, we thought that over the next two days we'd look at two people who want help making friends.

Peter and Molly,
     I recently moved to a new city. I live by myself, so I've tried tof reach out to others in the ward and the school I attend. I enjoy putting on dinners, so I invite some of those I meet over. This has been going on for six months, and I've yet to have a reciprocal invitation. I'm trying to develop friendships but don't want to go down paths if there is no interest the other way. How can I find those who want to make friends, not just eat my food.
Thanks,
Always a hostess never a guest

Molly: Hostess, it seems that your idea of friendship is a series of formal invitations. While this isn't wrong, it does seem limited and old fashioned, which might explain why others aren't more responsive to it.

Peter: Try to find those you have more in common with. That may lead to more opportunities, outside of dinners. In addition, if there are those whose company you enjoyed at dinner, don't take their lack of an invite as proof they don't want to be your friend, they may just hate cooking, invite them out to something different, that may make them more comfortable sharing with you what they do enjoy.

Molly: Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Friends are great, but we don't have to match the unrealistic frienships we see on so many sitcoms these days. Eventually you'll have a family, and most of your friendships will fade to happy memories.

If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook

Why So Much Cradle Robbing?

Peter & Molly,

Excuse me if this sounds more like a rant then a question, but I promise I have a question. I am 26, and I'm in a single's ward in a part of the country not known for having lots of Mormons, but the ward is plenty big, and we get people coming and going reasonably often. By all objective scales, I am not overweight at all, I am an outgoing return missionary, with a cute face, curves where they count, and a bubbly personality. I flirt, specifically and to the guys I want to ask me out. They don't. Ever. Ever. I have literally never been asked out on a date. It's not that there aren't guys my age here. There's a graduate school where I live that brings in older students. These guys are mature, motivated and I like many of them, and lots of them find spouses in our single's ward. Who are they marrying? 19 year olds, 20 year olds, sometimes even 18 year olds. These women are certainly sweet and innocent, but I can't imagine that that is the primary trait you are looking for in a spouse. I have desperately avoided coming off as desperate, I make friendships with men by participating in other activities with them (serving in callings, playing sports, etc.) Why do older men ask out little girls? What can I do to get them to ask me out instead?

Sincerely,

Not Desperate, but getting there

Peter: Getting there, you sound great, wanna go out sometime? Just kidding my wife probably wouldn't like that. She'd definitely not like that, she's whispering over my shoulder. I certainly feel for you, but there is nothing wrong with two adults dating each other. Our Mormon culture puts so much pressure onto men to marry that the last thing that we should be doing is cutting their dating pool down. Why do men continue to find young women intriguing? Our culture values youth, marrying young women takes off the pressure to start a family quickly, many of the most beautiful women marry young, maybe most importantly young women still like men. Women who want to get married, need a man to make that happen, and so when it doesn't happen when they want it to, they start to dislike men, and that makes it harder for a man to like you back.

Molly: I'm so glad that Peter had a chance to get that off of his chest, but it's a pile of rubbish. Why can we not tell men that it is a bad idea to make dating decisions based on, let's scan through his list here, youth, avoiding starting a family, beauty, and how much they appeal to their own vanity. I will definitely be proud to say don't marry for those reasons.

Peter: Those shouldn't be the only reasons, but we like to assume that if you're older you are obviously smarter, more mature, and have more to offer to a relationship. It's just not true, finding a marriage partner is so personal, that finding the right fit is difficult for anyone.

Molly: So what should women do who are never asked out like Getting there, just wait around and hope that these men feel like exploring the right fit with them. Don't say for them to be more aggressive, because that is the big reason everyone says that older women can't get dates because they seem too desperate. There are great women who aren't getting a chance because many men in singles wards have their priorities wrong.

Peter: It is not a priesthood responsibility to make sure that every woman in the singles ward gets a husband. It's just not. When men are looking for a spouse they should be asking who provides me the opportunity to accomplish my life mission, who can I help out, who will help me lead a family in righteousness. They shouldn't be asking, who needs to be given a chance.

Molly: So what should Getting There do?

Peter: Let me tell you a dirty little secret. Just about everyone that wants to get married does. I know that when you are in the middle of the hunt, it seems so hard, but if you want my honest advice, stop trying. Serve in your calling to serve, go to sports to have fun. Pray for a righteous marriage, but don't let it stress you out.

Molly: Peter is right about one thing, and that is that being lectured about who they should date by you, won't make the men in your ward any more likely to want to date you. If I could give you one bit of advice, and I'm an advice columnist, so I can, it would be to maybe spread the flirting out a little bit, you say you focus on one guy at a time, and that's good because it helps you not get a reputation as a flirt, so that the flirting still matters, but opening up your circle a little bit couldn't hurt, and may give you more opportunities.

Peter: The title of this blog post was Molly's by the way, big surprise. 

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Should She Leave College to Help at Home?

Dear Peter and Molly,

So, a friend of mine said that she knew some people who were trying to start a Mormon advice blog, and so I thought maybe you could help with my problem. My problem is my parents. I’m just finishing up my first semester at [Name Withheld] (a church school). When I left for school everyone seemed really disappointed that I was leaving, I was the only laurel in my branch back home, and I had already been teaching primary for almost a year when I went to school. I’ve got a scholarship, and I’ve loved being in college, but my parents want me to stay home again. They say they miss me, and they want my help with my little brother (he’s 2) and they say that the church needs me more there than out here. I don’t want to disappoint my family, but I don’t want to stay stuck at home forever either. What should I do?

Small Town Girl

Molly:  Small, it sounds like a simple case of your parents missing you, but there are a couple of things in your letter that make me curious. The first is that your, presumably still married, healthy parents, want the help of their daughter to raise their two year old. And young people leave branches all the time. It sounds to me like your concern has a lot less to do with your parents and branch and more to do with you. Being away for the first time is hard, and if you grew up in a branch (I did) moving into a huge ward at a church school can be intimidating. While it’s important that you get an education, the education doesn’t necessarily have to be away from home, there are plenty of online schools, and community colleges close to where you’re from that may be able to give you a couple of more years close to home before finally having to leave the nest.

Peter: Small Town, leaving the house can be a tough time in anyone’s life, and you don’t want to make it any more difficult than it needs to be. That being said, it would be a huge mistake for you to leave college for good. What you need to do is to convince your parents how much college is going to bless their lives, and the lives of those in your branch, and your life too. College is more than anything an investment, you may be gone for a while but you're going to come back much better able to serve.

Molly: Peter, her life is way more than an investment equation! The other thing Peter gets wrong is that every small town girl who goes to the big college goes back to the small town. There’s a good chance that you’re going to meet Mr. big city, and he’ll sweep you off your feet, and you’ll never live in your branch or at home again. I’m not saying that is necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be in tune with with the Holy Ghost who often communicates in simple feelings, and if you just don't feel right about staying in school, maybe it's something you should pay attention to. 

Peter: Even if Molly is right, and you do secretly want to go back home. I think that her advice is to give into those fears. College is about so much more than the classes, and when you don’t ever take a chance and venture away, you can’t ever fully appreciate that.

If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook

How Can He Still Have Faith to Heal?

Dear Peter & Molly,

Thanks for the great blog, so far, I've been really enjoying it. I had a question. Last year my mother died. It's been a very hard time for me and my Dad especially. We have strong testimonies, but there is one thing I just still don't understand. I know that for faith to work it has to be very very strong, but I also know that what you desire needs to be the Lord's will too. How can I ever have faith that the Lord will heal someone else in my life, when he chose not to heal my Mom. I know he could, but I know he might not, and always knowing it may not work, makes having perfect faith impossible. I'll continue to believe even if this never makes sense to me, but maybe you can help me understand. Between the two of you, you seem to have a pretty big picture look at issues.

Thanks,

Following Always, I'll Try Healing

Molly: Wow FAITH, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a parent must be difficult at any time. I know I am very grateful I haven't had to live through that experience yet. I have two answers to your question. First, faith is not believing that God will do something. We can't speak for him. Perfect, mature, faith is believing that God is able to do something. Second, miracles do not require perfect faith, just like anything in the gospel, it only requires our best.

Peter: Rather than disagree with what Molly is saying here, let me just give a couple of examples. Shadrack, Meshak and Abendago were threatened with being thrown into the fire if they didn't pray to the statue of the king. They said that if they were thrown in the fire God would protect them, but then they added something important when they said, "But if not." They had great faith, but they realized God's plan may not be to protect them. Also I think of the father who brought his son to Christ to be healed. Christ asked about the man's faith, and the man said, "Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief." This man saw himself as faithless, but he "desired to believe" like Alma said, and that was all the faith necessary for Christ to heal his son. I have faith that with your perspective and with prayer, the Lord will heal your heart, and that you can be together with your mother forever.

If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook