Engagement Ring Debacle

Dear Peter and Molly,
I have been dating a wonderful woman for many months. We have been talking about marriage now for some time in some way or another. I mentioned the possibility of engagement to my mother, and she excitedly told me that she had been given her mother's ring when she passed away a couple of years ago, and that she had held onto it in the hope that I would be able to propose with it (I am her only son.) I remember the ring, though I didn't know my mother had it, and was excited about the possibility of proposing with it. I mentioned this to my girlfriend during our most recent talk about marriage thinking that she would be excited by the time and money that would be saved by having this heirloom. She was excited, but when she was over at my home, my mother showed her the ring. After we left, she said she needed to talk to me, and that she didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings, but that I needed to know that I would still need to save up three months salary to purchase her a ring. I was a little shocked, especially by her specific mention of how much money she thought I needed to save. So I asked her what the matter was. She said that I should have mentioned that the ring was yellow gold since that was such an out of date style! (I didn't know) And that it needed to have a new setting. I never thought that she was so focussed on money before, what should I do? The tradition of wedding rings has never particularly rubbed me the right away, especially telling men how much they needed to spend.

I appreciate your advise,
Ring Tied

Peter: Ring, I know you saw all that time of austerity and saving money magically disappear when the heirloom ring came into your life, but you must have been planning on submitting yourself to the "tradition of wedding rings" before that, and it is her ring after all. So man up, put some time in and save the money to get her a ring that she will appreciate and treasure for the rest of her life.

Molly: Warning signs. You never thought she was focussed on money? Well guess what she is, in a big and major way, and she thinks that if her ring isn't pretty enough then she won't feel loved enough. 

Peter: An engagement ring is a once in a lifetime gift, it's not like any other jewelry or gift and it's often something that the receiver will have dreamed about their entire life. Investing a little bit more emotion into it is perfectly normal. And she didn't say to buy her a new diamond, a setting is often much less money, and you can put the existing diamond into it. You save time and money, and she has a setting she'll be proud to wear.

Molly: But translating that emotion by saying I need three months salary out of you to feel that you love me enough is not perfectly normal.

Peter: If she were to have randomly chosen a salary amount that she felt he had to pay that would be one thing, and if we want to have a debate about whoever came up with that crazy rule then we can, but that rule does exist, so bringing it up is not a sign of some major character fault, it just says that she understands tradition and would like a part of it.

Molly: But it shows that she wants her tradition. Clearly this heirloom ring means a lot to Ring too, so by dismissing it as easily as she does she's showing that she is more important in their relationship then them.

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Are E-mail Wedding Invites OK Yet?

Peter and Molly,
     My son is marrying a delightful woman, and I'm very happy for both of them. They are throwing a budget wedding because neither I nor my son's soon to be in laws have much to give. I'm proud of how well they are planning, but they've recently made one decision that has me puzzled. In order to save money, they are sending out e-mail invitations to the wedding. They say that people rarely use the mail for personal correspondence, so not only would it be cheap, but also appropriate for this day and age. While I have to admit, even his grandparents have e-mail addresses, it just seems quite wrong. I would be willing to pick up the difference in price, but they've insisted that if I have additional money for the wedding they are grateful, but would rather use it in a different place. Am I just out of date, or is this touch just too tacky?
Thank you,
Mother of the Groom

Molly: Mother, because you are helping to pay for the wedding, certainly your voice deserves to be heard, but for the good of all involved I would suggest that once you give your opinion you leave the decision up to your son and his bride who are proving to be adept planners. As for the invitations, formal events still dictate a physical invitation, and I suspect that many people who get e-mail invitations won't put it on their calendar, expecting to see something soon in the mail.

Peter: The truth is that when it comes to Mormon weddings, there is no specific etiquette guide. I hope that Molly and I can do a pretty good job of keeping our finger on the pulse of what others would see as rude, and I certainly don't think the evites would offend anyone, but except for your son's peers, who would probably come just via word of mouth and a facebook invitation, the evite would probably not be effective to invite anyone who is not one of their immediate friends.

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Pre-Sealing Reception

Dear Peter and Molly,

My fiance just proposed and we are starting to plan the reception. I am a returned missionary, and so I've been to several sealings before and understand how important they are. It is my desire to keep the focus of our wedding on the sealing by making it the last part of the festivities. I worry that by having a big party after the sealing we'll be worried about arrangements later that day and won't be able to fully appreciate the crowning ordinance of the gospel. I told my mother what I wanted to do, and my reasonings for it, but she is simply aghast. She doesn't think that anyone would want to celebrate a wedding that hasn't even happened yet, and she thinks it would be inappropriate, because it would give people the impression that we were already married when in fact we weren't. I know that most people have their reception after the wedding, but surely having it a couple hours before isn't exactly misrepresenting ourselves. My mother is very supportive in most ways, and has been very generous in helping to pay for the event. Is there a way I can help my mom see things my way, or should I try to find other ways to help focus on the sealing?

Signed,

Focused Bride

Peter: Focused, just because something is traditional doesn't mean we have to do it that way, but often something sticks around because it works. I happen to agree with your mother, before the wedding there is nothing stopping you or your (still) fiancee from getting cold feet and walking out. I know that probably won't happen, but because it can what should be the celebration of your marriage ends up feeling more like the uneasy and nervous build up to your wedding. Imagine trying to have the party celebrating a successful run of a play while all of the actors are preparing anxiously back stage.

Molly: Focused your point is an important one, and something that I think many people lose in preparing a wedding. Since most brides who plan weddings have never even attended a sealing before, the only thing they know how to prepare is the party afterwards, and because that is what most people are going to attend that ends up becoming the focus.

Peter: I'm not saying that you just need to accept that the party is the focus, but a party is to celebrate something, and that is what you just did. You want a party that celebrates an event that will happen soon, but most parties celebrate an event that just happened. People will naturally look back at the sealing at your reception, because you're celebrating the sealing. A way that you can help ensure that is by having pictures or images of the temple at your reception. Some brides even have pictures from the temple printed at a 1 hour photo and put in frames for the reception. If you or others will be doing any speaking at the reception make sure they mention the sealing earlier that day.

Molly: I'm sure this will not be the last time where you try and get someone to be excited about one of your ideas while you're planning your wedding. Remember what you need is good persuasion, and good persuasion is not getting people to do what you want even if they don't, it's getting people to want what you want so everyone is happy. Help your mother see which of her goals might be better accomplished if you have the reception beforehand. For example you'll be there to help clean up after the reception, she will be able to relax after the sealing, you'll be there for all the set up, and both of you will have lots of energy to visit with her friends and family.

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How Can She Get Him to Propose?

Peter and Molly,

I'm going to school up at BYU-I. The marriage capital of Mormonism, I'm convinced. The funny thing is that while everyone wants to get married it also seems like all the boys are too scared to make it happen. I met this boy in September, we were in the same FHE group. I immediately liked him because I thought he was cute and fun, and since I'm a little bit (okay a lot) flirtatious I got him to ask me out. Well we decided to be bf/gf and now we've been dating for almost three months, and so I'm ready to move to the next step. My roommates kept asking me all semester if he was the one, and it's not like I rushed into it. The semester is about to end, and we'd be apart for like 2 months. I want him to propose. We've talked about it and I've said that I thought it was a good idea. He says things occasionally like "our kids" "would you rather take a trip to here or there" and things like that. Should I do a long distance thing while school's out, or break up with him, or is there something I can do to get him to finally propose?

Sincerely,

Hoping and Praying

Peter: Marriage is a big deal. A big big big deal. I'm not saying that you aren't destined to be together (though you're not) I'm not saying that his and your eternal happiness ride on this decision (though it does) I'm just saying maybe he can't make huge life changing decisions based on the school calendar. Give him a little space.

Molly: I guess I'm just not as forgiving as Peter. There is virtually no way that you can get to know someone well enough to decide if they are your eternal partner based on three months. Even if you spent the entire three months thinking about your relationship rationally, and asking the big important questions, three months is an awfully short time to see someone's character thoroughly enough to know if you're compatible. Normally I'm not in favor of a long distance relationship, but two months isn't a relationship it's a vacation. See a different side of him, calm down if he's that important to you there is no way you can't survive a summer break, especially BYU-I's super short one.

Peter: Let's give Hoping a little bit of a break. Unlike the world that wants to delay marriage as much as possible, marriage is important, and you can never learn everything about someone at some point you simply need to make a decision and have some faith.

Molly: I think it is exceptionally odd that the world who thinks marriage is nothing more than a worldly contract wants to wait years before making the decision to enter one, while we who understand the eternal importance of marriage are willing to let someone make the decision after just a couple of months.

Peter: Hoping, to answer your question, there is no way to make a man propose to you, but what you can do is get him thinking about marriage, start talking about things in terms of family, talk about your parents marriage, and how you grew up, and ask him similar questions. Marriage is simply starting a new family, so seeing yourself within the framework of families is a great way to go.

Molly: Hoping, I am hoping that you don't use Peter's advice to get your boyfriend to propose before you or he is ready.

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