I have been dating a wonderful woman for many months. We have been talking about marriage now for some time in some way or another. I mentioned the possibility of engagement to my mother, and she excitedly told me that she had been given her mother's ring when she passed away a couple of years ago, and that she had held onto it in the hope that I would be able to propose with it (I am her only son.) I remember the ring, though I didn't know my mother had it, and was excited about the possibility of proposing with it. I mentioned this to my girlfriend during our most recent talk about marriage thinking that she would be excited by the time and money that would be saved by having this heirloom. She was excited, but when she was over at my home, my mother showed her the ring. After we left, she said she needed to talk to me, and that she didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings, but that I needed to know that I would still need to save up three months salary to purchase her a ring. I was a little shocked, especially by her specific mention of how much money she thought I needed to save. So I asked her what the matter was. She said that I should have mentioned that the ring was yellow gold since that was such an out of date style! (I didn't know) And that it needed to have a new setting. I never thought that she was so focussed on money before, what should I do? The tradition of wedding rings has never particularly rubbed me the right away, especially telling men how much they needed to spend.
I appreciate your advise,
Ring Tied
Peter: Ring, I know you saw all that time of austerity and saving money magically disappear when the heirloom ring came into your life, but you must have been planning on submitting yourself to the "tradition of wedding rings" before that, and it is her ring after all. So man up, put some time in and save the money to get her a ring that she will appreciate and treasure for the rest of her life.
Molly: Warning signs. You never thought she was focussed on money? Well guess what she is, in a big and major way, and she thinks that if her ring isn't pretty enough then she won't feel loved enough.
Peter: An engagement ring is a once in a lifetime gift, it's not like any other jewelry or gift and it's often something that the receiver will have dreamed about their entire life. Investing a little bit more emotion into it is perfectly normal. And she didn't say to buy her a new diamond, a setting is often much less money, and you can put the existing diamond into it. You save time and money, and she has a setting she'll be proud to wear.
Molly: But translating that emotion by saying I need three months salary out of you to feel that you love me enough is not perfectly normal.
Peter: If she were to have randomly chosen a salary amount that she felt he had to pay that would be one thing, and if we want to have a debate about whoever came up with that crazy rule then we can, but that rule does exist, so bringing it up is not a sign of some major character fault, it just says that she understands tradition and would like a part of it.
Molly: But it shows that she wants her tradition. Clearly this heirloom ring means a lot to Ring too, so by dismissing it as easily as she does she's showing that she is more important in their relationship then them.
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