Molly and Peter (especially Molly),
Thanks for your blog. I really like your advice, it seems practical, and I think I could really use some of it right now. I've been dating this fellow for a couple of months. Things started to get pretty serious pretty quickly, and right now we're having a great time with each other, and thinking about the future, but wanting to wait a little while to make sure we make the right decision. There is one thing that has me worried in particular. He is a convert, which I love because he appreciates the gospel way more than most of the guys I've dated, but his family isn't members of the church. Not just that they're super inappropriate. I was embarrased to be with them because of how much they cussed, talked about drinking beer (and did it.) In fact I think I was hit on by every uncle in the room. My boyfriend did tell one of his brothers to knock it off when he crossed the line. I know that he isn't his family, and I shouldn't judge him on that. But I also know that you marry a family, and these people could be my children's grandparents, uncles and aunts. I guess my question boils down to, how bad can his family be before it becomes a deal breaker?
Enough, it sounds like what you're starting to do is moving into a new phase of a relationship. You know you like him, but can he fit with you. This can be a hard evaluation to make because we are counseled that any two worthy Latter-day Saints can make it work. So you know you can marry him, but now you have to ask if you should, and sometimes that decision has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend, and everything to do with you. Sometimes we just can't live with someone who smacks their food. That probably says more about us then them, but it does say something about us, and remember you are half of the people getting married.
I know you want Molly's advice more than mine, but let me butt in anyway. You cannot cannot cannot dump a man based on something so trivial and ridiculous as if he smacks his food or not. It doesn't matter if you're the president of Clean Eaters of America, if you cannot realize that you will have things about your spouse that bug you, you will not find someone. Unluckily for you a family is more important than how you eat your food, and as you mentioned it will make a big impact on the way your kids grow up.
The thing about having non-member family is that it helps your children understand that not everyone lives life the same way. That's a good thing, you should want your children to see that, so they know that someone can do things we don't agree with in our faith, and yet we love them anyway. There are a couple of issues though that could be a deal breaker. Do you think your boyfriend's family would ever offer alcohol to your children? Do you think they would ever abuse or molest your children? I can't answer those questions based on your letter, but you need to be able to answer them, perhaps you could ask your boyfriend about your concerns. Since he did step in when you met them, I'm sure he's worried about the impression they made on you too.
Giving up a guy that you say is otherwise perfectly great, would be a big mistake.
Let me cut in again, you know what else should be a deal breaker if they can't treat you with respect. It's not a big mistake to not put yourself in a position to be sexually harassed, as you were while you were at his house. I agree with Peter that it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but your boyfriend should know that you will always come first. If he wants to marry you, and you didn't even mention if he did, then he should know that if his brothers can't keep their inappropriate comments to themselves you will not be visiting his family anymore.
Yet telling a man that you'll marry him as long as he makes his family behave a certain way isn't exactly unconditional love. The bottom line you have to ask yourself is whether or not this man is one that can help you reach your eternal goals.
What eternal goal? Getting into the Celestial Kingdom, it's not like only one person has the key, and even if you marry someone who doesn't get in themselves, it doesn't mean that you're disqualified too.
Yeah, but if you marry someone who you can't stand so badly that you can't keep your covenants over the course of an entire lifetime that can be a problem. If Bad Enough thinks that she's going to become a drunk by being around his family so much that she falls into it, then maybe she needs to stay away. We need to be aware of our own weaknesses and how potential situations will interact with it.
That's what I was trying to say.
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Molly: I guess, I'm not as pessimistic as Peter is, of course you can still be friends, and she can go away to school. There are other colleges in that part of the country, close enough you could even become roommates. Also there are other opportunities around there, non school, you may want to pursue. Also, she may have other school applications in, and when she hears from them, her plans may change.
Sometimes maintaining a friendship is the best thing, just because your friendship will change, sometime, doesn't mean you have to give up on it now. Don't hold it against your friend for being excited about getting into college though.
