Thank You Notes

Thank You Notes

Dear Peter and Molly,

My son and his new wife got married at the beginning of August last year. They put on a nice reception and received gifts to help them start their home from many friends and family. I received an e-mail this week from my mother in-law (my son's grandmother.) She was wondering if he had received her wedding gift, and if so if they were planning on sending out thank you notes. I had always tried to teach my son the importance of giving thanks, and I know that he knew the importance of thank you notes for wedding gifts in particular, yet it seems that he has failed to send them out. I certainly don't want to tell him and his wife how to live their lives, should I say anything to them? How should I respond to my mother in law's e-mail in the meantime?

Sincerely,

Meddling Mamma

Meddling, meddle please. There is nothing quite so tacky as not sending out thank you notes for wedding presents. There are many reasons why he may not have sent the thank you note, they may be waiting for special ordered thank you cards, (These are becoming more popular, but they take too long to get back, they are a bad idea,) they may have legitimately not gotten his grandmother's present, or they may have gotten so busy with other things they have forgotten the second most important thing you can do after a wedding, so tell them. As for your e-mailer, your son is an adult now, simply e-mail her your son's contact information, and tell her that you hadn't heard, but that she can ask him herself.

I think that forwarding your mother in law his e-mail address is a great idea, but do that and don't tell him what to do, he can learn for himself when he starts to get more and more people curious about whether there gifts were received or not. Marriage is a very natural point to let your children learn consequences for their own decisions.

Amazingly I basically agree with Peter on the point that marriage is a great point to let your children go, obviously, but the consequences for not writing thank you notes are too high. You are basically choosing to alienate everyone who supported your getting married. That is a huge network of people that you need to be happy and successful. If your two year old was running into the street you'd stop him because he might be killing himself, this is kind of like that.

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Parents Don't Like Group Activities

Dear Peter and Molly,

     I am 14 and my "friends" which is basically just my church class go out to do things sometimes. Its nothing bad, just movies or mini golf or like that usually one of the parents drives them then picks them up when there done. My parents NEVER let me go! I know I should listen to them but how am I supposed to make friends???

Sincerely,

FriendLess

Friendless, what you do is just ask your parents what activities are appropriate for someone your age. Then plan them, and invite your friends.

Friendless, count your blessings. Having people to talk to at church and school is important, but going out on activities is not. Focus on your studies and developing your interests. Learning to be alright by yourself is an important trait.

More important though is learning social skills with others. Your parents understand that, so just figure out what parameters they have for you, then go make friends.

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How to Include Step Kids at the Wedding

Dear Peter and Molly,
My fiancee and I are both starting our second marriages. We're still reasonable young (at least I like to think so) and while I have no children, he has three. My fiancee has joint custody of the children, and so they will be a regular and important part of our family. I just wasn't sure how to include them in the wedding. They can't see the sealing, and it seems a little weird for me to ask his daughters to be my bridesmaids (they're 8 and 10) and of course there's no real role for a flower girl or ring bearer. Do you have any suggestions for how to tastefully include them?

Thank you,
Step Bride

Dear Step Bride, integrating others into the wedding is definitely different in LDS weddings since there are so few traditions that require other people. The upside, however, is that you can use them however you like. There are lots of jobs that you could create for them like someone to welcome people at the reception, someone to accept gifts, and depending on how your reception is being organized there may be many other places you could plug in a child and have them feel needed. In addition since being called a bridesmaid is largely just an honorific, there would be no harm done in giving the little girls the title.

My only concern is that the mother of these girl's may be hesitant to let them participate to a large degree in the wedding of her ex husband. I completely agree with Molly that those could be good ideas, but if their mother doesn't want to spend the time making sure they fulfill their assignments (because let's be honest at 8 and 10, it's not like they can drive themselves there) then don't insist. Ten year old's don't have particularly developed social sensibilities to offend.

If you have any questions e-mail us at PeterMollyAdvice@gmail.com or find us on Facebook