Dear Peter & Molly,
I need some help. My parents seem to think that I can have a fun social life even though I have absolutely no money. They always ask me why I don't have very many friends, but then when someone asks me to hang out, and I ask them for some money, they tell me to do something that doesn't cost so much. But all my friends aren't doing things that don't cost so much, so I just have to stay home. What should I do?
Sincerely,
No Money
Dear No Money,
Molly and I were wondering how old you are, it might matter.
~Peter
Peter,
I'm 14. I started High school this year.
Money, maybe your parents aren't just trying to help you save money. Since your 14, maybe they just don't want you going out with friends that much.
There's nothing about being with friends at 14 that is wrong, if her parents say it's just money, maybe we should take them at their word.
If the issue really is just money, then maybe you need to find some friends that share less expensive interests.
Or maybe you could just make suggestions of cheap things to do. I don't care how rich your friends are, there is no one who wouldn't enjoy going ice blocking, or playing capture the flag in the park. I know it means more work if you're the one instigating the activities, but then at least you can plan them on your own terms. You could also do activities where people pay different amounts like going to the mall, or painting pottery at those do it yourself stores.
I still think that your parents inhibition to give you money may have more to do with your age, so maybe you can take Molly's idea, but expand on it by inviting your friends over to your house, to play games, watch movies, make food or just talk. With your parents there, they can get to know your friends which may make them more comfortable financing other activities that you do with the same group.
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Dear Peter & Molly,
Okay guys so here's the deal everyone I know who's not Mormon tells me that Halloween is about letting out demons. Obviously I'm like no. But all my Mormon friends still do Halloween. A bunch of us are all going out trick or treating, and then hanging out all night. And so I used to trick or treat as a kid, but now I'm wondering if I even should and what I should say?
Sincerely,
Scared of Halloween
Scared, ever since I can remember there have been ward Halloween parties. I'm not sure what exactly the roots of Halloween is, but it is now a time to dress up, enjoy an evening out, see your neighbors and eat candy. All good stuff. My biggest concern is that you sound a little old to still be going trick or treating.
I don't think that something is okay just because they do it at ward parties, and if Halloween makes you uncomfortable you can always bow out. But don't do avoid Halloween because it's satanic. Halloween comes from a Celtic holiday where they dressed up to scare away spirits, not the other way around.
The only thing that makes me nervous about Peter's advice is that you don't want to avoid doing things that make you uncomfortable always, because growing up means putting yourself out there and taking risks.
As far as trick or treating age goes, everyone I know always went one time when they were too old, and they turned out fine. If your friends are still going out I wouldn't worry about it.
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Peter and Molly,
I can't stand my sister's fiance. He's from out of state and so he's had to visit our home on a couple of occasions. They met at school, and so we haven't really gotten to see him in his element, he's always on "vacation" when he's here, and boy is he ever. He never offers to help around the house, even things as simple as offering to do his own dishes. Both times he left his room a big mess, with lots of trash that was never cleaned up (which always falls on me, because my sister goes back to school at the same time he leaves.) Also he somehow manages to never bring anything he need, so when he comes we constantly need to run around the house, or town finding shaving cream, deodorant or whatever other necessity he may have forgotten. My sister swears that she loves him and that he's a hard worker, and good to her, but when he's here he always says passive aggressive things to her like after dinner once I said I had eaten too much, and he looked at my sister and said "it's a good thing you never have that problem," but he obviously meant it sarcastically. She chuckled it off. They're not planning on getting married until this November (rather than during a summer or winter break, when I could come without having to find a substitute to teach my classes.) So there's still a little bit of time to scare her away from him, if I should. Should I mention anything to my sis, or just let it go.
Any help appreciated,
SIL, you can only pick half your in-laws. Scary as it may be your siblings will marry whoever they want, and you're stuck with them. That doesn't mean you have to put up with outright abuse or rudeness, neither of which your potential BIL seems guilty of. He seems to be mostly guilty of taking a little too much vacation while he's off between school, and not explaining the inside jokes of his relationship with his sister to you. Perhaps you should start looking for the good that your sister sees in him before you grow forever embittered at this couple.
While you could certainly have a worse potential in law, I have to disagree with Peter that just because he's not abusive means you should put up with it. He is a guest in your home, and honestly you are just the sister, I'm not sure why after the way he behaved the first time you didn't have him stay somewhere else. It's possible your parents, or a neighbor could help out, and little secret he could always find his own room while he's visiting. If you were her mother I'd understand the pressure to be more hospitable, but even then, you simply need to explain what the standards are, and then if he can't meet them he doesn't stay.
I suppose it's possible to say to family that if you don't do what I tell you to do then you have to rent a motel when you're in town, but that doesn't seem like the best way to develop a good long lasting relationship.
The problem is that without standards set now the relationship will never be good, it will just be bad for SIL instead of for her sister's boyfriend.
I never meant that SIL has to give in especially when it comes to her home, but judging her sister's choice in spouse based on some trash, and grating social behaviors, while he's away from the day to day, isn't wise either.
With the wedding still so far away, however, it may not be the best idea to just admit that your sister is marrying him. You need to be supportive of her, regardless of what her decision ends up being, but that doesn't mean you can't say anything before then. Just make sure that when you bring it up you don't tell her that you dislike him. Help her see the same things you are seeing. Maybe she knows that he's a mess, but she doesn't mind cleaning. The one thing that bugs me the most however was his unkind comment to your sister.
It was an isolated incident, and the sister had no way of understanding what exactly he meant.
It is never okay for a man who is supposed to be the emotional support in a woman's life to imply that she is overweight or can't control her eating. I hate to make this into a big deal, but weight has become such a socially sensitive issue, that if a man can't figure out how to avoid the topic then he is rude, plain and simple. Ask 10 women and all 10 will tell you that his "joke" was hurtful. If that was more than an isolated incident, and you see him regularly make unkind remarks to her, it could be an indication that it may turn into an abusive relationship. If that's the case, you may want to talk her through some questions to determine if there is a real problem. I find the best resource is at thesafespace.org this is a simple list, but they have a lot of great resources around the site.
Of course it also could have just been a joke. Thanks for all the letters.
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