Opposite Sex Lunch

Dear Peter and Molly,

My husband recently left his job to start his own business. He's been looking for suppliers, and has been back in the part of town where he used to work. Well one day, he told me that he had lunch with an old female coworker of his. She had called him, and said no one had lunch with her anymore, and so he invited her out. Thinking back, he did look awfully nice before he left that day, and he had just cleaned out his car. What gets me is that he has been trying to get us to go out less because money's so tight. He insists it was just an innocent lunch, and she paid for herself. Am I overreacting, or is this like cheating?

Signed,

Holding to my Man

Molly: Holding, I don't know what your husband's intention was, and neither do you, so you should probably take him at his word. He was going out for lunch anyway, maintaining old work contacts, is just good networking. The other details you've probably only thought of because it helps confirm your suspicions. 

Peter: A married man going out to lunch with a woman, not his wife, alone, is never a good idea. It probably was innocent, but it doesn't matter, it's an issue that just crosses the line, you don't want him to be in that situation. Don't accuse him of cheating, but explain to him that you don't want him to be in situations like that.

Molly: It's that attitude that will prevent people like Holding's husband's friend from getting ahead in business. If any married man shuns her. Business is co-ed now, and we have to deal with that reality. Trying to super impose sex onto any situation is not a healthy perspective.

Peter: Well it is a safe perspective, and if he wanted a work meeting, maybe there would have been another person or two he could have invited along to lunch.

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How to Turn Down Dates

Dear Peter and Molly,
So I'm sure my problem is one that a lot of girls would love, but it's still a problem and I hope you'll help. I get asked out a lot, by really weird people, some of them are creepy, and some of them are just not really my type. I'm not a teenager anymore, and so I don't want to go out with people when it will be a waste of both our times. But when I tell them that I'm not interested they never seem to get a clue. How can I turn them down without being cruel?

Signed,
Too Many Dates

Peter: Too Many, well you basically have two options. You can either go out with them, and honestly no matter how old you are unless you're worried about your safety I can't think of much reason not to, or you can tell them no thanks. You say you tell them you're not interested, and maybe you use those exact words, but that's not saying you won't go out with them, it's just saying, "make me interested."

Molly: You don't have to go out with anyone you don't want to, for whatever reason you don't want to. Some guys are a little dense, though mostly I blame the dating game, where so many people play hard to get. Then when you actually don't want to be gotten, they still think you're playing. My sister was an expert at turning people down firmly and amusingly. She once had a guy approach her and ask how many times she'd been asked out that night, she said, "Thankfully none, I'm not even close to attracted to anyone in the whole room." On another occasion a guy started a conversation and when he was done he wrote his phone number down and told her to call him, she looked at him handed it back and said, "No thanks, I won't be needing this." They may have been a little mean, but she certainly didn't have guys chasing after her.

Peter: Too Many, just don't worry about the guys' feelings. I promise you that dating you is not so important to them that if you turn them down you'll ruin their life. So don't worry about letting them down easy, just let them down clearly. Or you know say yes, not the worst thing in the world.

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Engagement Ring Debacle

Dear Peter and Molly,
I have been dating a wonderful woman for many months. We have been talking about marriage now for some time in some way or another. I mentioned the possibility of engagement to my mother, and she excitedly told me that she had been given her mother's ring when she passed away a couple of years ago, and that she had held onto it in the hope that I would be able to propose with it (I am her only son.) I remember the ring, though I didn't know my mother had it, and was excited about the possibility of proposing with it. I mentioned this to my girlfriend during our most recent talk about marriage thinking that she would be excited by the time and money that would be saved by having this heirloom. She was excited, but when she was over at my home, my mother showed her the ring. After we left, she said she needed to talk to me, and that she didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings, but that I needed to know that I would still need to save up three months salary to purchase her a ring. I was a little shocked, especially by her specific mention of how much money she thought I needed to save. So I asked her what the matter was. She said that I should have mentioned that the ring was yellow gold since that was such an out of date style! (I didn't know) And that it needed to have a new setting. I never thought that she was so focussed on money before, what should I do? The tradition of wedding rings has never particularly rubbed me the right away, especially telling men how much they needed to spend.

I appreciate your advise,
Ring Tied

Peter: Ring, I know you saw all that time of austerity and saving money magically disappear when the heirloom ring came into your life, but you must have been planning on submitting yourself to the "tradition of wedding rings" before that, and it is her ring after all. So man up, put some time in and save the money to get her a ring that she will appreciate and treasure for the rest of her life.

Molly: Warning signs. You never thought she was focussed on money? Well guess what she is, in a big and major way, and she thinks that if her ring isn't pretty enough then she won't feel loved enough. 

Peter: An engagement ring is a once in a lifetime gift, it's not like any other jewelry or gift and it's often something that the receiver will have dreamed about their entire life. Investing a little bit more emotion into it is perfectly normal. And she didn't say to buy her a new diamond, a setting is often much less money, and you can put the existing diamond into it. You save time and money, and she has a setting she'll be proud to wear.

Molly: But translating that emotion by saying I need three months salary out of you to feel that you love me enough is not perfectly normal.

Peter: If she were to have randomly chosen a salary amount that she felt he had to pay that would be one thing, and if we want to have a debate about whoever came up with that crazy rule then we can, but that rule does exist, so bringing it up is not a sign of some major character fault, it just says that she understands tradition and would like a part of it.

Molly: But it shows that she wants her tradition. Clearly this heirloom ring means a lot to Ring too, so by dismissing it as easily as she does she's showing that she is more important in their relationship then them.

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