Should She Tattle on Smoking Priests?

Dear Molly & Peter,

My son is a Teacher. He isn't particularly good friends with the Priests in the ward but he has friends from school who are the same age. I guess the point is that I occasionally see the young men in the ward out and about. Usually it's nice to see them living up to the standards and being good examples of the church, but I saw something this last weekend that I'm not sure what to do about. I was going to pick my son up from the park where he had been doing some star gazing. I saw some of the men from our ward hanging out on the other side of the park, so I slowed down to wave at them, when I got closer to them, I saw them just as they were putting out cigarettes. This wouldn't usually be such a big deal, considering that everyone does dumb things when they're teenagers sometimes, and certainly it would normally not be any of my business, but the next morning those same two boys were on the stand blessing the sacrament. Obviously they hadn't had time to work things out with the bishop since the night before. Am I obliged to say something? Should I at least tell the boys that I saw them? What about the sacrament, should I attend another sacrament meeting so I can take the sacrament blessed by worthy priesthood holders?

Thanks,

Monitoring or Meddling

MOM, let me just answer your last question first. You should definitely still take the sacrament in your own ward. The center of the gospel is the Love of God. He will never withhold the blessings of the sacrament from you because of the misdeeds of another. You are not responsible for the sins those Priests may or may not have committed, and it will have no affect on how well you are able to renew your baptismal covenants.

As for whether or not to talk to someone about it, the bishop may already know that they are struggling, but felt that blessing the sacrament every week may help to keep them focused. Since you don't know, there's probably no reason to bring it up.

Of course the most likely situation is that they are simply thinking that they will never get caught like so many of us sometimes feel. Getting honestly confronted with your actions is exactly the kind of moment that can help lead someone to repentance.

But if you go to the Bishop about it, then the only thing he can do would be to confront the boys, and being confronted will make them feel "caught" by the church, and is unlikely to help in the long run.

I don't know that I would have ever stopped doing most of the dumb things I did if I hadn't been caught, but that doesn't have to come from a bishop, you could say something to them as simple as, "I don't want to have to feel like I'm keeping your secret. Get your smoking taken care of, I hope you can bless the sacrament again soon."

Also, MOM you could be nice about it when you see them.

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I think my friend's fiancee lied about serving a mission.

Peter and Molly,
Okay, so I have a really good friend, she's my roommate and she just got engaged to this guy. Now, I've kind of had a bad feeling about this guy for a while, but you know kept quiet since I didn't know anything. He plays the strapping Mormon guy part really well. Says he went on a mission to Argentina, talks about being an Eagle scout, really clean story, k? And so I'm at school, and I see him, but he doesn't see me. So I walk up to say hi. And he's talking to some friends eating lunch. They're talking about a mission, and complaining because girls only go out with RMs, so the guy says, well I told my gf I went problem solved. I couldn't believe it! I just left. But now I'm worried, I'm not sure it was him because I didn't end up going up to him, and I was kind of behind his head. But it sounded like him, and looked like him when I went up. Maybe he was lying to his friends, but. I don't know. Should I tell my friend what I heard?
Thanks,
Got a Little Secret

Secret, that's a lot of ifs and maybes, but from where I'm sitting, it sounds like you're trying to find a way not to tell your friend. You're like 99% sure it was this guy, and your friend deserves to know. Don't accuse, just say what happened, then leave it up to her. 

Peter's right about you making excuses. Where I differ is where he thinks you should just tell your friend and let it go. There's no way you can absolutely know the truth, but don't just drop this on her. Tell her you think she should figure this out. Guys can be very deceptive, and without you she could easily be swept back into his charms.

Being a supportive friend is fine, but even if he was lying about a mission doesn't mean the relationship is dead, so you have to give her enough leeway to stay if she wants to. You don't get to decide that she's breaking up.

Lying about a mission is a big breach of trust, and if she stays with him it's more likely because he managed to weasel his way around, than that they actually came to a new place in their relationship.



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How Soon to Start the Honeymoon?

Dear Peter & Molly,
So my wedding is in the morning, and our reception is not until that night. Even when you consider all the pictures after the wedding, and set up before the reception there is still several hours to kill in between. What should we do? I don't want to run off to our honeymoon suite, and then come back later to the reception and have everyone stare at us weird, but we would be married and so it would be awkward to arrive separately to the reception. I just want to do it right? Any ideas?
Thanks,
Stumped Groom

Dear Groom, here's the bottom line, before you got married your sex life was really no one's business. The church of course knows the blessings that come from waiting, and so that encouragement happens a lot. Once you are married, however, your sex life is really really really no one's business. So do whatever you want for those hours, and if anyone looks at you weird for spending the afternoon alone with your new wife, that's definitely their problem not yours.

OK, mostly I agree, but just do the rest of us a favor, don't leave a big hickey in a place that her dress doesn't cover. I know you're married, but she'll be the center of attention, and that's tacky in any situation. The other warning I have, is if this will be your first time, make sure you have plenty of time, and that she'll have plenty of time to get her hair and dress ready again for the reception (No one wants to see the tussled hair either). Honestly if you don't have 4 full hours, I might say go hang out together, but just play video games.

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Should Mom Apologize for Proselyting Tykes?

Dear Molly and Peter,

I have two children who are 6 and 8 years old. My next door neighbor has kids who are the same gender and age (roughly.) They moved in almost a year ago now, and the kids have become good friends. She’s a successful single mother, who is very busy, and so the two of us haven’t become particularly close. Last weekend my kids were at her house, while she was there, and then came home earlier than I had expected. My daughter (the older one) mentioned that they had been asked to leave. I didn’t think much of it, until the neighbor came by later in the week. She seemed quite upset and said she needed to talk to me. I invited her in, and she said that she had overheard my kids talking to her kids about how much they enjoy church and inviting them to come. I tried to explain that my kids did love church, and that I was sure it was a sincere gesture by my children, but that I would explain to them how religion was a touchy subject and to be more delicate next time. My neighbor didn’t seem satisfied at my explanation and said that my children had been offensive, and that she knew our faith tries to win converts, and didn’t expect that there would be a next time. What should I do? I don’t want my kids to learn that talking about the gospel means they lose friends, because deep down I’m proud of them for talking up, but I also want to keep the peace in the neighborhood.

Signed,

Missionary Mama

Mama, you just can’t win everybody over. It sounds like your neighbor is doing what many Mormon parents are accused of, and trying to protect their kids from the world. Mormons exist, and her kids are going to have to deal with us someday. Explain to your kids that missionary work is so important that sometimes it’s worth the sacrifice.

Kids say the darndest things, and I find it hard to believe that your neighbor wouldn’t understand that if you were being sincere. What it sounds like to me is that you were being a little defensive and trying to solve the problem on your own terms. Maybe you can solve the problem by apologizing yourself, instead of asking your kids to do it.

It would be a big mistake to apologize to your neighbor for your faith. You were right to stand up for your children, we shouldn't be embarrassed to want to talk to others about the thing that makes us happiest.

Peter, the problem is that she doesn't want her kids to be fighting in the missionary trenches, she wants them to develop good relationships from which missionary work naturally flows. Yeah missionary work takes sacrifice, but it doesn’t require your first grader to feel like no one on the playground will talk to her.

Her kids were the ones who brought up the church! Sure they may need to be taught how to be more tactful, but they’re little kids, and apologizing for them sends the wrong message about priorities.

We do not live in a world where you have need to decide whether to stand up for the church or have friends, especially if you’re a child. Missionary Mama, you should try to reach out to your neighbor, go out to lunch with her, offer her some help, and help her see that you care for her more than just as a potential convert, and my guess is she’ll extend the same greater understanding to your kids. As a busy professional, I’m sure she’d be grateful to have such convenient play dates for her kids so close by.


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Thank You Notes

Thank You Notes

Dear Peter and Molly,

My son and his new wife got married at the beginning of August last year. They put on a nice reception and received gifts to help them start their home from many friends and family. I received an e-mail this week from my mother in-law (my son's grandmother.) She was wondering if he had received her wedding gift, and if so if they were planning on sending out thank you notes. I had always tried to teach my son the importance of giving thanks, and I know that he knew the importance of thank you notes for wedding gifts in particular, yet it seems that he has failed to send them out. I certainly don't want to tell him and his wife how to live their lives, should I say anything to them? How should I respond to my mother in law's e-mail in the meantime?

Sincerely,

Meddling Mamma

Meddling, meddle please. There is nothing quite so tacky as not sending out thank you notes for wedding presents. There are many reasons why he may not have sent the thank you note, they may be waiting for special ordered thank you cards, (These are becoming more popular, but they take too long to get back, they are a bad idea,) they may have legitimately not gotten his grandmother's present, or they may have gotten so busy with other things they have forgotten the second most important thing you can do after a wedding, so tell them. As for your e-mailer, your son is an adult now, simply e-mail her your son's contact information, and tell her that you hadn't heard, but that she can ask him herself.

I think that forwarding your mother in law his e-mail address is a great idea, but do that and don't tell him what to do, he can learn for himself when he starts to get more and more people curious about whether there gifts were received or not. Marriage is a very natural point to let your children learn consequences for their own decisions.

Amazingly I basically agree with Peter on the point that marriage is a great point to let your children go, obviously, but the consequences for not writing thank you notes are too high. You are basically choosing to alienate everyone who supported your getting married. That is a huge network of people that you need to be happy and successful. If your two year old was running into the street you'd stop him because he might be killing himself, this is kind of like that.

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Parents Don't Like Group Activities

Dear Peter and Molly,

     I am 14 and my "friends" which is basically just my church class go out to do things sometimes. Its nothing bad, just movies or mini golf or like that usually one of the parents drives them then picks them up when there done. My parents NEVER let me go! I know I should listen to them but how am I supposed to make friends???

Sincerely,

FriendLess

Friendless, what you do is just ask your parents what activities are appropriate for someone your age. Then plan them, and invite your friends.

Friendless, count your blessings. Having people to talk to at church and school is important, but going out on activities is not. Focus on your studies and developing your interests. Learning to be alright by yourself is an important trait.

More important though is learning social skills with others. Your parents understand that, so just figure out what parameters they have for you, then go make friends.

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How to Include Step Kids at the Wedding

Dear Peter and Molly,
My fiancee and I are both starting our second marriages. We're still reasonable young (at least I like to think so) and while I have no children, he has three. My fiancee has joint custody of the children, and so they will be a regular and important part of our family. I just wasn't sure how to include them in the wedding. They can't see the sealing, and it seems a little weird for me to ask his daughters to be my bridesmaids (they're 8 and 10) and of course there's no real role for a flower girl or ring bearer. Do you have any suggestions for how to tastefully include them?

Thank you,
Step Bride

Dear Step Bride, integrating others into the wedding is definitely different in LDS weddings since there are so few traditions that require other people. The upside, however, is that you can use them however you like. There are lots of jobs that you could create for them like someone to welcome people at the reception, someone to accept gifts, and depending on how your reception is being organized there may be many other places you could plug in a child and have them feel needed. In addition since being called a bridesmaid is largely just an honorific, there would be no harm done in giving the little girls the title.

My only concern is that the mother of these girl's may be hesitant to let them participate to a large degree in the wedding of her ex husband. I completely agree with Molly that those could be good ideas, but if their mother doesn't want to spend the time making sure they fulfill their assignments (because let's be honest at 8 and 10, it's not like they can drive themselves there) then don't insist. Ten year old's don't have particularly developed social sensibilities to offend.

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Scriptural Love

Dear Peter and Molly,
My roommate and I are having a fight. She's dating this guy who's company she likes, and he's super sweet, and even good looking, they have a lot to talk about, and he's a super hard worker. My roommate though keeps talking about breaking up with him, not because of anything he did, just because she doesn't feel butterflies when he walks in the door. I tried to tell her that romantic love is basically a new idea, and that real love doesn't need to have those butterflies, and that no where in the scriptures does it talk about romantic love, but she disagrees saying that of course the prophets fell in love, like Sampson. What do you two think?
Thanks,
No Fairy Tale for Me

Fairy Tale, I think if your roommate wants to break up with someone you should let her do whatever she wants, and since it sure sounds like you have a thing for the guy, as soon as he's free you should definitely go after him. On the more interesting question though, you're right, romantic love is a new idea that we've bought into. The scriptures never tell us to love our spouse before we marry them, just to love them with all our heart after we're married.

On the first part, I agree with Peter. I just don't understand why roommates think they have a say in one another's personal lives regardless of how ridiculous they are being. Friends have speaking power, but no voting power, so just let her be. I completely disagree on the second part though, having an authentic romantic attraction to someone is important. It is that attraction that can help you get through the inevitable difficult days of marriage.

Oh, and Sampson's a terrible example for anything. That's like saying well David slept with Bathsheba so it can't be that bad. I agree that attraction is important, though not necessary, but the guy is physically attractive,  it sounds like there's this idea that "yeah I think you're hot, but I'm still not attracted to you" what is missing, he's a good guy, a good partner, and good looking, there's no magic X factor.

Peter, there is and it's called love. You're right Sampson's not a good example, but he's not the only one. Listen to this, a quote straight out of the bible, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine." That's not platonic charity love, that's romance and it's right there.

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Should She Follow Her Best Friend to College?

Dear Peter and Molly,
When I was two I met "Jennifer" my best friend. We've been friends ever since, no matter what's happened, we've always had each other's back. Well she just got admitted into BYU for next fall, but I didn't. So I figure that she'd stay here with me, but she's been talking about probably going. I'm feeling alone, and betrayed, I didn't realize best friendships ended when high school did. What should I do?
Sincerely,
CC for Me

CC, friendships don't end when high school does, but joined at the hip best friendships do. I know it may be hard to hear, but it's part of growing up, and while I know it may be hard, you don't really want to hold your friend back just so she can hang out with you for a couple more years.


Molly: I guess, I'm not as pessimistic as Peter is, of course you can still be friends, and she can go away to school. There are other colleges in that part of the country, close enough you could even become roommates. Also there are other opportunities around there, non school, you may want to pursue. Also, she may have other school applications in, and when she hears from them, her plans may change.

The bottom line, however, is that eventually, except for the person you marry, you have to part ways with people, and you can try to hang onto it a couple more years, or you can both do what's best for yourselves now.


Sometimes maintaining a friendship is the best thing, just because your friendship will change, sometime, doesn't mean you have to give up on it now. Don't hold it against your friend for being excited about getting into college though.


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Marrying a family

Molly and Peter (especially Molly),

Thanks for your blog. I really like your advice, it seems practical, and I think I could really use some of it right now. I've been dating this fellow for a couple of months. Things started to get pretty serious pretty quickly, and right now we're having a great time with each other, and thinking about the future, but wanting to wait a little while to make sure we make the right decision. There is one thing that has me worried in particular. He is a convert, which I love because he appreciates the gospel way more than most of the guys I've dated, but his family isn't members of the church. Not just that they're super inappropriate. I was embarrased to be with them because of how much they cussed, talked about drinking beer (and did it.) In fact I think I was hit on by every uncle in the room. My boyfriend did tell one of his brothers to knock it off when he crossed the line. I know that he isn't his family, and I shouldn't judge him on that. But I also know that you marry a family, and these people could be my children's grandparents, uncles and aunts. I guess my question boils down to, how bad can his family be before it becomes a deal breaker?

Sincerely,

Bad Enough?

Enough, it sounds like what you're starting to do is moving into a new phase of a relationship. You know you like him, but can he fit with you. This can be a hard evaluation to make because we are counseled that any two worthy Latter-day Saints can make it work. So you know you can marry him, but now you have to ask if you should, and sometimes that decision has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend, and everything to do with you. Sometimes we just can't live with someone who smacks their food. That probably says more about us then them, but it does say something about us, and remember you are half of the people getting married.

I know you want Molly's advice more than mine, but let me butt in anyway. You cannot cannot cannot dump a man based on something so trivial and ridiculous as if he smacks his food or not. It doesn't matter if you're the president of Clean Eaters of America, if you cannot realize that you will have things about your spouse that bug you, you will not find someone. Unluckily for you a family is more important than how you eat your food, and as you mentioned it will make a big impact on the way your kids grow up.

The thing about having non-member family is that it helps your children understand that not everyone lives life the same way. That's a good thing, you should want your children to see that, so they know that someone can do things we don't agree with in our faith, and yet we love them anyway. There are a couple of issues though that could be a deal breaker. Do you think your boyfriend's family would ever offer alcohol to your children? Do you think they would ever abuse or molest your children? I can't answer those questions based on your letter, but you need to be able to answer them, perhaps you could ask your boyfriend about your concerns. Since he did step in when you met them, I'm sure he's worried about the impression they made on you too.

Giving up a guy that you say is otherwise perfectly great, would be a big mistake.

Let me cut in again, you know what else should be a deal breaker if they can't treat you with respect. It's not a big mistake to not put yourself in a position to be sexually harassed, as you were while you were at his house. I agree with Peter that it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, but your boyfriend should know that you will always come first. If he wants to marry you, and you didn't even mention if he did, then he should know that if his brothers can't keep their inappropriate comments to themselves you will not be visiting his family anymore.

Yet telling a man that you'll marry him as long as he makes his family behave a certain way isn't exactly unconditional love. The bottom line you have to ask yourself is whether or not this man is one that can help you reach your eternal goals.

What eternal goal? Getting into the Celestial Kingdom, it's not like only one person has the key, and even if you marry someone who doesn't get in themselves, it doesn't mean that you're disqualified too.

Yeah, but if you marry someone who you can't stand so badly that you can't keep your covenants over the course of an entire lifetime that can be a problem. If Bad Enough thinks that she's going to become a drunk by being around his family so much that she falls into it, then maybe she needs to stay away. We need to be aware of our own weaknesses and how potential situations will interact with it.

That's what I was trying to say.

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Should Mom Speak Up About Pinewood Derby?

Dear Peter and Molly,
My son recently entered the pinewood derby for the first time. We had never been to one before, and so when the instructions came that the boys should work on the project while supervised by their parents, I suppose we believed them. How foolish! We showed up at the event with a series of beautifully painted and designed cars, and my son's car was trampled losing the first two races. He was embarrassed, and to make it worse at the next Den meeting they all made trophies for their own cars, he had to make a trophy for the award his car won, "Funniest car"--it wasn't funny on purpose. I'm not sure what to do, should I just have my husband make my son's car next year? Should I speak to the Cubmaster about their less then stellar awards? Should I talk to the bishop about the dishonest Pinewood Derbies?
Sincerely,
Pining for Equality

Dear Pining, isn't it great that your son can learn that the world is an unfair place in the protected environment of a cub scout pack. I agree that the approach is less than fair, all the kids should have an opportunity to learn how to make a car, but alas yours was the only one that actually did. Teach him to take it with a grain of salt, it will be a lesson much more useful than a little extra self-esteem from Cub Scouts.



Pining, don't make a big fuss. I know it seems unfair, but learn from the experience and next year you can either make a statement by being the only Bear that continued to do his own car, or get into the game, and have your husband and son work together more closely.



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Is Bride Adding Invites for Extra Gifts?

Peter & Molly,

I have a quick question. I went to my mailbox today, and found a wedding invitation for a reception that is in two days! The bride is the daughter of our neighbor. Our family has known each other for decades, and we have occasionally been friendly, but never friends. I'm just not sure what to make of this invitation. I can't really RSVP, although it seems that tradition is all but lost in our culture anyways, but I'm not sure if the invitation is even serious, or just an attempt to extract another present. Should I go, do I need to send my regrets if I don't, am I obliged to buy a present.

Sincerely,

Hog Tied

In situations like these, I think it would be best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Even if it is very likely untrue, just assume that your friendship meant more to this other family then to you, assume that they sent the invitation because they want your company, and assume that it must have been misplaced somewhere along the way and that they intended for you to receive it weeks or even months ago. Then act accordingly, if you can make it go, if you can't because of a prior engagement, don't go, and no one is every obliged to buy a present regardless of when they get the invite.

I don't know that Peter's approach is entirely reasonable. You can't act like you got the invite months ago, because you didn't, so you can't make time for it on your schedule, and you can't thoughtfully choose an appropriate gift. I do agree that you should probably assume the invite is sincere, although I would be unfortunately unsurprised if it wasn't, but the timing of your receiving the invite, whether intentional or not, removes your social burden to respond, attend, or bring a gift.

"Social burden to respond"? What? I certainly believe in good manners, but good manners change over time and between cultures, and right now, in LDS culture, an RSVP is only expected if it is explicitly mentioned, ordinarily receptions are such simple affairs that they can easily accommodate a wide range of guest numbers.

 

OK, maybe the burden to respond isn't there anymore, but most people would think it rude if you didn't get a gift, in most cases. This case is an exception.



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Should She Be the Other Woman?

Dear Everyone,

So, it's been a pretty cool first week, and I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did, but it's the weekend now, and so we're going to cut down to one problem a day. They should be fun, though, Saturday's are going to be the letter we thought was the most interesting of the week, we'll call them Salacious Saturdays, and then Sunday we'll answer the questions you asked that we're more spiritual/doctriney/churchey, we'll call those Sunday School Sundays, we'll have to come up with a better name next week, but it should be fun, so to all of our readers, lets dive into our first every Peter & Molly weekend.

Peter & Molly,
Thanks for asking me to send you a letter, I actually do have a problem and some outside eyes might help. There's this guy (isn't there always,) and he asked me out, and it was just dinner and a movie but still we had a good time, and then at the end he said he wanted to see me again! Great, right, so we set up a date for next Saturday, well in the meantime I'm talking to my best friend, and she's all excited because she has a date on Friday, with guess who, the same guy! So I don't know what to do, I know we aren't an official couple, but if he was that interested in me, maybe he could have managed to fit me into his Friday date slot, and secondly doesn't this strike you as just a little sketchy? Part of me doesn't want to go out with him at all, but even if I do, what do I say, "hey, how was your date with my best friend last night?" Should I expect my friend to cancel her date too?

Sincerely,
Not the Other Woman

Hey Other,
Thanks for the question, we were wondering though how old you are?
Thanks,
Molly & Peter

Molly,
I'm 18, but I'm in the YSA ward.

Other, what you should do is have something come up that you can't get out of Saturday night, and then never worry about him again. No, you didn't have a commitment to him, but trying to juggle dating multiple woman at once is not the sort of relationship you want to get into, either.

The only thing I agree with Molly about, is that you shouldn't bring up the date with your friend. Going out with more than one person at once is not a problem, until you're in an exclusive relationship. You're not. In addition, he could have already had the next date scheduled, when the two of you had a good time. It's not like he could cancel it. Go out, have a good time, don't rush getting into a relationship, just enjoy the time for whatever it is.

I understand what Peter is trying to say, but it applies to outdated ideas about dating. It would be nice if everyone saw a first date as just a time to go out, but no one does, and so this really does give you an insight into what kind of guy this is.

The kind of guy that wants a better dating culture than he was given? Even if this was a sign that something was wrong with this guy, don't just give up, there could be lots of other factors.


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