Should She Dump Her Non-Committal BF?

Dear Peter and Molly,
I have been together with my boyfriend for almost two years. We are both returned missionaries in our mid 20's. We have met one another's families and are both stable financially. I don't want to rush into anything, but feel like we're probably ready to move to the next step, and so I brought up the idea of getting married. The topic had been mentioned before but only hypothetically. He recoiled, and explained that he was a little surprised I brought it up, and that he was happy with how things were, and not ready to commit. This is the man I want to spend my life with, but I can't wait around forever, but I'm worried if I leave him, I won't have another chance. WSID?
Thanks,
Still Single

Peter: Single, I know that I haven't done this in a while, but I'll distill your complex romantic relationship down to a simple mathematical equation. Is "How Great a Catch He is/How Willing You are to wait>Chance you will meet someone else"? The bottom line is that he is not the only one for you, and in your letter you never talk about being particularly thrilled with him, it seems like he just seems to fit. That's not necessarily bad, but you want something else now, so it sounds like he no longer fits, it doesn't sound like it would be such a loss to move on.

Molly: My first thought was that if he's not willing to commit now, there's some other issue in his life. It's possible he will never be ready to commit, but it's also possible he's working on a problem to be able to go to the temple. The two of you are long overdue for a good long talk, don't let him off the hook with a simple I'm not ready. I don't think he has to marry you, just because you've been dating for two years, but I do think he has to at least explain why.

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Should She Listen to His Ex?

Peter and Molly,
I started dating "Luke" six months ago, and things have been going very well. He is kind and treats me as though I'm the most important person in the room at all times. He is very chivalrous and attends church with me often, he says he goes every week, and when I've attended his ward haven't seen anything to tell me differently.  He has started talking to me about marriage, and I am thinking about it. Last week a woman "Isabelle" called me. She said that she had heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that I was dating Luke and so she wanted to call and warn me. She said that she broke up with him about six months ago, that he had taken her virginity, and left her with credit card debt, and had cheated on her. I didn't know what to say to her, and I don't know what to do now. I don't want to accuse my boyfriend just because I had a stranger call me, but even if I did he could easily deny the charges even if they're true. I'm worried. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Mr. Right or Wrong

Molly: Dear Right or Wrong, the first thing you need to do is ask, and get it out there. Explain to him what happened, and say that you're not accusing him, but you're wondering who Isabelle even is. Anyone could lie, but that's always the risk we take when we date someone. Don't rush into marriage. See how he responds to your question, meet his family and friends. Don't let this one event make you change your decision, but do take it into account, and see if there are other signs that support what Isabelle said.

Peter: I'd be a little more aggressive than Molly suggests. I know that Luke is charming, but charming and manipulative are often two peas in a pod. Being active in church is not the same as being righteous, as you seem to suggest. I would call Isabelle back, and explain that you don't want to end your relationship because of a strangers accusations but that you would be interested in seeing her evidence, particularly of the credit card fraud. I would also, of course, look for other signs. If you decide to end the relationship, make sure you do it when you are in a place with others who can support you such as friends or family.

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How Can 16 Year Old Let Everyone Know She's Available?

Peter and Molly,
I'm a junior in High School, and will be turning 16 the day before Prom. I'm very excited, and hope to go and enjoy myself, but of course I'm still not going out on any dates, and up until this point I have been trying to shoo away those interested in asking me on dates because I couldn't go with them. Tickets just went on sale so I have over a month, but how can I announce to the world, "I would love a prom date" without seeming weird or desperate.

Thanks,
 New Dater

Peter: Dater, you reverse course, and start going back to all those boys who wanted to take you out, you bat your eyes, ask them about prom, say longingly how you wish someone cute like him would ask you, and then wait for the cards to fall. It won't take long.

Molly: While Peter's approach may shock the school into recognizing your new availability, I'm not sure if it meets your requirement to not seem weird or desperate. This is a task to which close girlfriends are especially adept. Have them simply put word out that you're finally available, and if you have a preference as to your date, allow them to plant it as part of the rumor. Guys can't resist a gal that wants them, and while the high school gossip chain is usually a tool for evil, there's no reason we can't use it for good.

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Facebook Friend Mom?

Peter and Molly,
So I'm 15, I'm not like a little kid that snuck onto facebook, I did it totally legit, I set up my account, and got all my friends, and then the next day my Mom wants to be my friend, she says it's so that she can see everything I'm doing on facebook. So I didn't do anything, and then the next day, she's all like if you don't accept my friend request, you lose your facebook privilege? What? What's the point of having a facebook if you're mom is  watching everything you do? What can I tell her so that she'll back off?
-Friendless

Peter: Dear Friendless, you can say thank you so much for the facebook privilege mom, I'll do whatever you'd like. Honestly, if you don't want her to write cute messages on your wall that all your friends can see, ask if you can give her your account password, that way she can look in and make sure everything's okay, without you having to admit to your real friends, that your facebook friends with Mom.

Molly: I think the point wasn't how to avoid being friends but how to get some privacy. You must have felt like your Mom finally gave you this wonderful gift of growing up and then took it away. Talk to her about it, explain that you want a little bit of internet freedom, and come to a compromise. Understand she just wants what's best for you, and internet safety is important. See if you can make a deal, where you'll only facebook where she can see you, or something similar that will work for both of you.

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Baby Naming

Dear Peter and Molly,
Me and my husband just got pregnant. We're very excited, as you would expect. This will be our first baby. The trouble has been in coming up with a name. We both agree that it would be best if we could find a name that we both like, but we have gone through thousands of names, and haven't found a single name boy or girl that we both like. We know that at the end of the day we have to come up with something. My husband mentioned something the other day that indicated that he felt like part of his priesthood responsibility as the leader of the home was making final decisions even on issues on which there is disagreement. I agree with the basic premise of his idea, but feel like since I'm the one who has to birth the baby and will be primarily caring for the baby after it's born, I feel like the final decision should be mine (after I listen to his input of course.) If the two of you can agree on whose call it is we'll go with it. Otherwise we'd still appreciate your advice.

Sincerely,
Nameless

Molly: Dear Nameless, don't you think that when both of you finally look at the baby you'll take a deap breath, exhale and say the exact same name once you've seen her beautiful face. No? Names are tough ones because because they will be such an important part of your child's life, but even though you can't agree on a name, doesn't mean you can't agree on a system. I knew one couple that had widely different tastes, and they agreed to take turns naming a child. I knew another couple that came up with a complex algorithm of adding and vetoing names, still another couple I knew literally opened up their family history, closed their eyes and pointed. I couldn't do it any of those ways, but you and your husband need to decide together, but you don't have to agree on a name together, if that makes sense.

Peter: Picking a name that you're not happy with, is not your best option, but you seem to be misunderstanding your husband's point about presiding over the family. It's not that he always gets his way, if there's a disagreement, he's saying that he has the responsibility for balancing everyone's opinions to make sure that the family is being led happily. Sure he can pick a way to get out of the problem like Molly suggested, but there will at some point be problems you can't just get around, and families need someone to be able to make a final decision.

Molly: Families need a leader to take decisive decision in an emergency, and father's are great for that, but we don't need a quick decision here, they have months to come up with a name, and a leader is no good if they can't manage to come up with a consensus with their life partner. The official church stance is that parents are equal partners, you can't be equal if one has the "final" say no matter how fair he's supposed to be.

Peter: I think you're mixing it up. All the suggestions you made would have been good--if her husband had reached out and tried to make them. Rather it seems like he is relying on randomly picking a solution. Being a leader is about more than having the final say.

Molly: The word in the proclamation is preside, the Oxford English Dictionary says it's to act as a chairman at an assembly or meeting. They should lead the discussion, sure, but Nameless is already having the discussion. We're not talking about discussion, we're talking about a decision, and they should have an equal say over it.

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Snooping Neighbors

Peter and Molly,

My family just  moved to a new neighborhood, we're anxious to make new friends, and tried to go around and introduce ourselves. Our next door neighbors seemed a little suspicious they started asking us questions about where we were from, and our jobs, and then they went and asked us about our criminal history. I was a little taken aback, but I guessed they were just trying to be safe. Well then I would occasionally go to close a curtain, and I'd see them just happening to be at the window right across from us. They'd usually wave, but after it happened a couple of times, I started to get weirded out. Then yesterday I am driving back home, and as I pull up I see the same neighbor looking in our mail box. I'm starting to feel like I'm under surveillance. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Under the Microscope

Peter: Microscope, I'd be weirded out too. Take some simple precautions that will help protect you and your family's privacy. Make sure you have curtains on all of your windows, and keep them closed. Ensure that your doors are always locked, and if possible purchase a motion detecting light for your front door. Then go to your post office and ask about options for lockable mail boxes. Buy a shredder, and make sure you shred any documents or mail before you throw it out. Make sure your fence is secure, and that the gate to your backyard has a lock.

Molly: If your neighbor is really so worried about their safety that they would violate yours, then they have a screw missing, and trying to stay away from them is likely only going to make their suspicions higher, and make them amp up their attempts to learn more about you. If they're opening up your mail box, they've violated the law, secure a lawyer to write them a letter explaining how their behavior must stop and consequences if it doesn't.

Peter: I'm surprised you'd jump to that Molly, you're the one who never wants to ruin a friendship. The reality is that while the facts seem weird, the only thing that was actually wrong was opening up the mailbox, and it's possible that they were just walking home, and got disoriented and opened the wrong one. I'm not saying it's no big deal, but taking simple personal steps will allow them to still open the door of friendship down the road, your approach closes it entirely.

Molly: Maybe one accidental mail box opening, but this is a pattern, and it's one that is making Microscope feel unsafe. The ship on friendship has sailed, it's time to protect yourself.

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Friendship with an Opposite Sex Widower

Dear Peter and Molly,
I'm a little bit older, but you're so good about giving advice for social situations, I thought you could help anyway. I'm a married woman, and have a couple that have long been friends of my husband and me. The wife of the couple recently passed away. I have much more time than my husband and would like to reach out as a friend to the widower, by calling on a regular basis. I do not, however, want to behave improperly as I do still have a husband.
Thank you,
Friendly in Texas.

Molly: Dear Friendly, I think that your concern for respecting your husband is commendable, however, I feel that the only thing you need to do to make sure the relationship is appropriate is to get your husband's blessing first, as long as he is comfortable with the nature of the relationship you have nothing to worry about.

Peter: I disagree, I feel like an inappropriate relationship could develop out of many situations. Friendly, you don't mention how close in age you are to the widower. If he is more a grandfather figure, you can probably go ahead without hesitation. If the ages are close enough that a romantic pairing wouldn't be unforeseeable, then I think you need to try a different approach then regular calls. Your instinct to be a friend at this difficult time is good, however, express it by having him out on the town with both you and your husband. Make sure the ward is aware of his needs so that the youth could plan a trip to give him some company.

Molly: When we let what other people are worrying about stop us from being a good neighbor, we've gone too far. Peter's ideas are good as supplements, but losing a spouse is a difficult time, and the regular calls you're suggesting could help catch a problem and care for it before it becomes too large, that the irregular night out just couldn't.

Peter: But our commitment to our spouse is greater than our commitment to be friendly, and Friendly should be wary of allowing that line to be crossed.

Molly: But calling a widower is not a violation of marriage covenants.

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Should She Hug and Be Hugged?

Molly and Peter,
So, okay, I just moved to school. I grew up in the Northeast, and now I'm at a super Mormon school. Mostly I like it, but everyone hugs here it seems, like my roommate's boyfriend brought his roommate over, and he started going around the room hugging everybody. So I put my hands up kinda by my neck, to sort of nicely say, hey don't hug me random strange guy, but he goes for it anyway. This is not the only time, my roommates all know by now I'm not touchy feely, but how do I tell a random stranger don't you dare lay your nasty fingers on me without, you know, hurting someones feelings.
Thanks,
Handshakes for Me

Molly: Handshakes, you should never have to be touched when you don't want to be. While I'm sure everyone means well, a simple "None for me thanks, should give everyone a clue."

Peter: Perhaps even more effective would be to stick your hand out for a handshake. My advice, however, would be to put up with the uncomfortable hugs, you may not like them, but if you come across as stand offish to everyone who hugs when you meat, you may have a hard time making friends.

Molly: People who care more about seeming friendly than about personal space and boundaries are probably not worth being friends with anyway.

Peter: These aren't brutish people, they just like giving hugs. Think of it like going to France, and getting pecked on the cheek. I don't think I'd like it, but I'd put up with it because it is the culture.

Molly: But a trip to France for a couple weeks, and your new home for four years are different situations. You've done a good job teaching your roommates about your boundaries, hopefully these ideas will help you do the same with people you meet.

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Where was Jesus in the Old Testament?

Peter and Molly,

So I saw that the last couple of Sunday's you've been answering churchy questions, so maybe you can tackle one of mine. Last week in seminary, we had a substitute teacher, we're on Old Testament, and she started talking about Jesus and the Lord, like they're the same person. So someone asked if they were, and she said that of course they were. Jesus was God in the Old Testament. Well I was super confused, and just blew it off, but decided to ask my parents, and they said that they are three people but that my teacher is also right. What?!?!? I'm so confused.

Thanks,

Seminary Dunce

Peter: Dunce, that's what happened in my seminary class! It is a little confusing, but it's really not so bad. So here's what you know. There's a Godhead, they all act as one, but it's three different entities: Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. Sometimes it's confusing because we call Heavenly Father "God," but it's a title more than anything, and all three are "God." Heavenly Father, doesn't come to Earth very often at all, in fact once Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, he didn't come again during the entire Old Testament, instead he sent Jesus Christ. So when they're talking about God in the Old Testament, they're talking to the same person that later came to Earth and received a body as Jesus Christ.

Molly: Peter, you're confusing me, and "Dunce," though you're not, is probably no better off. Here's the bottom line, and what you're teacher should have told you, it doesn't matter which one of them came. They're all working together, and they can all speak for each other. It would be like if I wanted to get a refund from a company with two owners. I went and talked to one of them and got the refund, and then someone asked, well who'd you talk to, and I said, "The owner." Which one is of little consequence.

Peter: I don't know that it's of little consequence. Understanding the nature of our Heavenly Father is important. Your description of why there name is the same is good, but the Lord of the Old Testament was the same person as Jesus of the New Testament. Abinadi tries to explain it in Mosiah 15:1-9, though he's not much clearer than I was.

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Should this 13 Year Old Settle?

Dear Peter and Molly,
I'm 13, and my problem is that my parents just don't seem to have any faith in me. I've always loved drawing, since before I was in kindergarten. I'm pretty good, and I always enjoy the art classes I've gotten to take at school. The problem is that when my mom and dad ask me what I want to be when I grow up, and I tell them I want to be an animator, they say that's not a realistic goal, and that I should start creating some interests that may be more practical. It hurts that they don't believe in me, and I don't like anything else. What should I do?
Thanks,
Future Artist.

Molly: Artist, don't give up your dream of being an artist, but if your parents are telling you to start creating some back up plans there's probably a good reason. It's hard when you're young to be able to honestly evaluate your talents, and even you only describe yourself as "pretty" good. It's a hard field to break into, so having some other ways you can go would be smart.

Peter: My number one advise is to keep your grades up. You don't have to pick a career in the 8th grade. If you like art pursue art, and pursue it well, you'll find other interests as you grow older. Even though working for an animation studio may be really hard work to get into, there are lots of other fields for artists, such as graphical design or advertising that are good paying and very practical.

Molly: When I was 12, my mother told me that I was not going to be a professional ballerina, and it was the kindest thing she ever did. I loved dancing, and she had put me through 8 years of classes, and I was pretty good, but not great. She said I could always do it for fun. It helped me see my future in realistic terms based on my actual talents. Not knowing Artist, I can't tell him if he has a real chance, but his parents who love him the most are telling him to move on, maybe it's good advice.

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Does Her Son Play Too Many Video Games?

Peter and Molly,
I have a teenage son who loves playing video games. He gets average grades, and is generally a responsive and good son, but I want him to pursue other more interesting interests. I wish he would read, or get into sports, or theater, or anything. It just seems like video games are such a waste of time. The trouble is that when I try and bring up the subject he gets defensive, and asks what the difference is between his hobby and others that I suggest. He usually plays with friends, and there are potential careers in video games. Something just doesn't feel right, but I'm not sure what to tell him. Am I overreacting, or is there a reason I'm missing?
Thanks,
Virtually Jinxed

Molly: Virtually, there are lots of reasons to avoid video games. It is clear that there is a danger in the depth of their artificial worlds, and pulling people out of real life. They are inactive, and the career opportunities are limited. The limited personal interactions that do occur, do not help build social skills. In addition the skills that are built, moving fingers quickly, understanding complex mythologies, etc. don't translate well to real life.

Peter: Jinxed, you never mentioned how much time that your son spends on video games, because video games are primarily relaxation. Unlike TV or movies however, video games are not completely sedentary relaxation. In fact unlike TV, playing more video games shows no correlation with increased chance for obesity. While chances are that your son won't get a job in video games, chances are if he joins drama, he's not going to become an actor, and joining the football team does not mean he's going to make it in the NFL, but those activities do build useful life skills, but so do video games: skills like like quick reaction times, or problem solving. Even the military is using video games for training. I can't tell if you're overreacting, but the argument you may be missing is that there are very few hobbies that should take up all of your free time, and if that's what happening with your son, maybe he just needs to diversify.


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Lust & The Sermon on the Mount

Peter & Molly,

Well I'm not sure what kind of questions you guys are looking for, but here's one that's been on my mind recently. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said that "whosoever looketh after a woman to lust after her, hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Well, I'm not a bad guy, and I don't think I'm an adulterer, but I am a guy, and sometimes (lots of the time) I lust after women. Will this really be counted against me like adultery? Because if it is, I guess I might as well commit some actual adultery, it would probably be more fun.

Have fun with that,
Jimmy Carter

Peter: Jimmy, you don't have to go commit adultery yet, you're still pretty safe. The point that Christ is making is that we will become what is on our hearts. Notice he didn't say that you will have committed adultery already in your brain, it's not thinking about it that is the problem, it's wanting it more than anything that is the problem.

Molly: Well I agree that you shouldn't make the problem any worse, but let's not pretend like there's not a problem. It sounds like Peter is just trying to make excuses. This kind of reasoning is barely a step above "boys will be boys." Notice Christ didn't say that if you get angry at your brother you're guilty of murder, just that you'd be judged for both, but Christ did say, lusting after a woman was committing adultery.

Peter: No he didn't. He said looking at a woman to lust after her was committing adultery in his heart. Saying that he looked at someone to lust after them, implies a motivation for lust. It does not imply normal healthy sexual thoughts.

Molly: Normal healthy sexual thoughts are not lust, and I think it's important to recognize the difference.

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Should She Babysit in Sacrament?

Peter and Molly,
I love the church and the gospel, and I understand that families are important, but I am middle aged and haven't had one, and at this point, I don't really want one. I am a professional that enjoys adult company, and find I have very little patience for children. I know I should love children, but I don't. The problem is that in my ward there are many families with lots of children. These children can get very noisy, and apparently someone gave a suggestion, apparently in a meeting I wasn't attending, that everyone in the ward would be willing to help out, so if a mom has to go out of the room with a screaming kid, and her husband can't help, there are others who will. Apparently, everyone thinks that this means I'm happy to help. I have tried to decline, but it seems like many of these families feel they are doing me a favor, because I don't get to hang out with children all of the time, otherwise they feel like it's the least I can do. How can I respectfully decline the wonderful blessing of watching other peoples kids.

Thanks,
Nanny Not on Duty

Molly: You must have a very open ward atmosphere if there are several people who feel like they can impose on you in the middle of sacrament meeting without you first volunteering. My honest advice is to try and find a way to enjoy the company of the kids. I'm sure you aren't like me, and actually enjoy every single sacrament talk, but there must occasionally be room for a diversion. If you've tried, however, and you've decided that you really don't want to be other people's free babysitter, a simple, "No thank you, I'm sure they'd be happier in the lobby with you," should do the trick.

Peter: Nanny, I might suggest a more passive approach, simply inform the parents that their children are welcome to sit wherever they like, which is of course accurate, but don't worry about the kids if they begin to climb up to the pulpit, or begin to wail for their parents. I'm sure word will get around quickly, that you aren't to be bothered with children.

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Why Can't She Make Friends?

Since you know how much we love themes, we thought that over the next two days we'd look at two people who want help making friends.

Peter and Molly,
     I recently moved to a new city. I live by myself, so I've tried tof reach out to others in the ward and the school I attend. I enjoy putting on dinners, so I invite some of those I meet over. This has been going on for six months, and I've yet to have a reciprocal invitation. I'm trying to develop friendships but don't want to go down paths if there is no interest the other way. How can I find those who want to make friends, not just eat my food.
Thanks,
Always a hostess never a guest

Molly: Hostess, it seems that your idea of friendship is a series of formal invitations. While this isn't wrong, it does seem limited and old fashioned, which might explain why others aren't more responsive to it.

Peter: Try to find those you have more in common with. That may lead to more opportunities, outside of dinners. In addition, if there are those whose company you enjoyed at dinner, don't take their lack of an invite as proof they don't want to be your friend, they may just hate cooking, invite them out to something different, that may make them more comfortable sharing with you what they do enjoy.

Molly: Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Friends are great, but we don't have to match the unrealistic frienships we see on so many sitcoms these days. Eventually you'll have a family, and most of your friendships will fade to happy memories.

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Why So Much Cradle Robbing?

Peter & Molly,

Excuse me if this sounds more like a rant then a question, but I promise I have a question. I am 26, and I'm in a single's ward in a part of the country not known for having lots of Mormons, but the ward is plenty big, and we get people coming and going reasonably often. By all objective scales, I am not overweight at all, I am an outgoing return missionary, with a cute face, curves where they count, and a bubbly personality. I flirt, specifically and to the guys I want to ask me out. They don't. Ever. Ever. I have literally never been asked out on a date. It's not that there aren't guys my age here. There's a graduate school where I live that brings in older students. These guys are mature, motivated and I like many of them, and lots of them find spouses in our single's ward. Who are they marrying? 19 year olds, 20 year olds, sometimes even 18 year olds. These women are certainly sweet and innocent, but I can't imagine that that is the primary trait you are looking for in a spouse. I have desperately avoided coming off as desperate, I make friendships with men by participating in other activities with them (serving in callings, playing sports, etc.) Why do older men ask out little girls? What can I do to get them to ask me out instead?

Sincerely,

Not Desperate, but getting there

Peter: Getting there, you sound great, wanna go out sometime? Just kidding my wife probably wouldn't like that. She'd definitely not like that, she's whispering over my shoulder. I certainly feel for you, but there is nothing wrong with two adults dating each other. Our Mormon culture puts so much pressure onto men to marry that the last thing that we should be doing is cutting their dating pool down. Why do men continue to find young women intriguing? Our culture values youth, marrying young women takes off the pressure to start a family quickly, many of the most beautiful women marry young, maybe most importantly young women still like men. Women who want to get married, need a man to make that happen, and so when it doesn't happen when they want it to, they start to dislike men, and that makes it harder for a man to like you back.

Molly: I'm so glad that Peter had a chance to get that off of his chest, but it's a pile of rubbish. Why can we not tell men that it is a bad idea to make dating decisions based on, let's scan through his list here, youth, avoiding starting a family, beauty, and how much they appeal to their own vanity. I will definitely be proud to say don't marry for those reasons.

Peter: Those shouldn't be the only reasons, but we like to assume that if you're older you are obviously smarter, more mature, and have more to offer to a relationship. It's just not true, finding a marriage partner is so personal, that finding the right fit is difficult for anyone.

Molly: So what should women do who are never asked out like Getting there, just wait around and hope that these men feel like exploring the right fit with them. Don't say for them to be more aggressive, because that is the big reason everyone says that older women can't get dates because they seem too desperate. There are great women who aren't getting a chance because many men in singles wards have their priorities wrong.

Peter: It is not a priesthood responsibility to make sure that every woman in the singles ward gets a husband. It's just not. When men are looking for a spouse they should be asking who provides me the opportunity to accomplish my life mission, who can I help out, who will help me lead a family in righteousness. They shouldn't be asking, who needs to be given a chance.

Molly: So what should Getting There do?

Peter: Let me tell you a dirty little secret. Just about everyone that wants to get married does. I know that when you are in the middle of the hunt, it seems so hard, but if you want my honest advice, stop trying. Serve in your calling to serve, go to sports to have fun. Pray for a righteous marriage, but don't let it stress you out.

Molly: Peter is right about one thing, and that is that being lectured about who they should date by you, won't make the men in your ward any more likely to want to date you. If I could give you one bit of advice, and I'm an advice columnist, so I can, it would be to maybe spread the flirting out a little bit, you say you focus on one guy at a time, and that's good because it helps you not get a reputation as a flirt, so that the flirting still matters, but opening up your circle a little bit couldn't hurt, and may give you more opportunities.

Peter: The title of this blog post was Molly's by the way, big surprise. 

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Should She Leave College to Help at Home?

Dear Peter and Molly,

So, a friend of mine said that she knew some people who were trying to start a Mormon advice blog, and so I thought maybe you could help with my problem. My problem is my parents. I’m just finishing up my first semester at [Name Withheld] (a church school). When I left for school everyone seemed really disappointed that I was leaving, I was the only laurel in my branch back home, and I had already been teaching primary for almost a year when I went to school. I’ve got a scholarship, and I’ve loved being in college, but my parents want me to stay home again. They say they miss me, and they want my help with my little brother (he’s 2) and they say that the church needs me more there than out here. I don’t want to disappoint my family, but I don’t want to stay stuck at home forever either. What should I do?

Small Town Girl

Molly:  Small, it sounds like a simple case of your parents missing you, but there are a couple of things in your letter that make me curious. The first is that your, presumably still married, healthy parents, want the help of their daughter to raise their two year old. And young people leave branches all the time. It sounds to me like your concern has a lot less to do with your parents and branch and more to do with you. Being away for the first time is hard, and if you grew up in a branch (I did) moving into a huge ward at a church school can be intimidating. While it’s important that you get an education, the education doesn’t necessarily have to be away from home, there are plenty of online schools, and community colleges close to where you’re from that may be able to give you a couple of more years close to home before finally having to leave the nest.

Peter: Small Town, leaving the house can be a tough time in anyone’s life, and you don’t want to make it any more difficult than it needs to be. That being said, it would be a huge mistake for you to leave college for good. What you need to do is to convince your parents how much college is going to bless their lives, and the lives of those in your branch, and your life too. College is more than anything an investment, you may be gone for a while but you're going to come back much better able to serve.

Molly: Peter, her life is way more than an investment equation! The other thing Peter gets wrong is that every small town girl who goes to the big college goes back to the small town. There’s a good chance that you’re going to meet Mr. big city, and he’ll sweep you off your feet, and you’ll never live in your branch or at home again. I’m not saying that is necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be in tune with with the Holy Ghost who often communicates in simple feelings, and if you just don't feel right about staying in school, maybe it's something you should pay attention to. 

Peter: Even if Molly is right, and you do secretly want to go back home. I think that her advice is to give into those fears. College is about so much more than the classes, and when you don’t ever take a chance and venture away, you can’t ever fully appreciate that.

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How Can He Still Have Faith to Heal?

Dear Peter & Molly,

Thanks for the great blog, so far, I've been really enjoying it. I had a question. Last year my mother died. It's been a very hard time for me and my Dad especially. We have strong testimonies, but there is one thing I just still don't understand. I know that for faith to work it has to be very very strong, but I also know that what you desire needs to be the Lord's will too. How can I ever have faith that the Lord will heal someone else in my life, when he chose not to heal my Mom. I know he could, but I know he might not, and always knowing it may not work, makes having perfect faith impossible. I'll continue to believe even if this never makes sense to me, but maybe you can help me understand. Between the two of you, you seem to have a pretty big picture look at issues.

Thanks,

Following Always, I'll Try Healing

Molly: Wow FAITH, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a parent must be difficult at any time. I know I am very grateful I haven't had to live through that experience yet. I have two answers to your question. First, faith is not believing that God will do something. We can't speak for him. Perfect, mature, faith is believing that God is able to do something. Second, miracles do not require perfect faith, just like anything in the gospel, it only requires our best.

Peter: Rather than disagree with what Molly is saying here, let me just give a couple of examples. Shadrack, Meshak and Abendago were threatened with being thrown into the fire if they didn't pray to the statue of the king. They said that if they were thrown in the fire God would protect them, but then they added something important when they said, "But if not." They had great faith, but they realized God's plan may not be to protect them. Also I think of the father who brought his son to Christ to be healed. Christ asked about the man's faith, and the man said, "Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief." This man saw himself as faithless, but he "desired to believe" like Alma said, and that was all the faith necessary for Christ to heal his son. I have faith that with your perspective and with prayer, the Lord will heal your heart, and that you can be together with your mother forever.

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Responses to All Greek to Them

Dear Peter and Molly,
I wanted to write and respond to the letter you posted on January 10 from All Greek to Them, the man who was worried about using too much church lingo at work. I wanted to say that I really appreciated your advice, I was in a similar position at work with several other members. They followed the advice you gave to Greek, and would include me in their activities, including ones that were church related. Eventually I became curious, asked them about it, and joined the church. I know not all stories have a happy ending, but it's worth it for those couple that do. Thanks,
I Understand Now

Peter: Understand, thanks for writing in, I'm glad that it worked out so well for you. We had another reader who had a different perspective on the same letter.

Dear Peter and Molly,
Thank you for your response to All Greek to them. I work as a Human Resource Specialist at a large company, and while our employees should be able to feel comfortable with their own beliefs it's important that others feel comfortable not having them. As Latter day Saints we seem to be ingrained to believe that we're the outsiders but when that's not the case it's important that we recognize it, and respond accordingly. Many companies have policies that would punish employees for being any more explicit about their beliefs than Greek was being.
Sincerely,
HR Specialist

Molly: Thank you for that additional insight. In almost every case we should be able to follow our obligation to our employer and our missionary obligations as well. We appreciate everyone's support. If you feel like you have some good advice that we're missing, also don't hesitate to send us a letter or leave a note in the comments.

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Should She Sign a Prenup

Peter and Molly,
I met my fiance at school, and absolutely fell in love with him. When he took me home to meet his parents I was blown away to discover that he came from a very well to do background. He proposed, and we are now making wedding plans, but he approached me the other day saying his Dad wanted me to sign a prenuptial agreement before the wedding! I'm not totally naive, and know that at the end of a long life you want to protect yourself from someone who just wants your money, but we're getting into this for a lifetime commitment, I'm just not sure what the point would be. Do Mormons even do prenups? It seems so skeezy to me.

Sincerely,
Prenuptial Bride

Peter: Dear Prenup, the question isn't so much that he's making you sign one, which as you point out can be understandable it's asking the question, why? What does he have that he doesn't want to share? Why doesn't he want to share it? How worried is he about the relationship? It's certainly not a relationship breaker, but it should raise some red flags you need to answer.

Molly: My honest guess, and that's all it is, is that he is a trust fund baby, and your fiance's dad is worried you found out about it. If you're in the marriage for the long term, then you probably have nothing to worry about, I agree with Peter that you should have a conversation about it, though I disagree that this is a big red flag. For many wealthy people this is just a standard procedure. Do, however, get an independent lawyer to look at the agreement for you. While I know you love your fiance, and don't believe he would do anything to hurt you, a prenuptial agreement could include any kind of language and is a binding contract. Don't jump into it blindly.

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Should She Wait for Him?

Dear Peter and Molly,

I've been dating this boy for about two years. He's going to leave on his mission soon. I know I wasn't supposed to, but I've loved him since we were 14. We've always been in the same ward, and I think he's amazing. He's a little bit older than me, but we were the same year in school. When I first turned sixteen I dated a couple different boys, but all I ever wanted was to be with him. I want him to go on a mission, cause I know that's what he should be doing, and I want to keep writing him, cause I'll only be 20 when he gets back so I want to wait for him. I don't want to date anyone else, I'm just not interested. I'm not going to lie, I do see myself marrying him eventually, but I know that I'll have to give it an honest chance when he gets back because I do know that people change, but I know him and I really think he'll only change for the better. Here's the problem, everyone is telling me not to wait for him. My mom thinks it's dumb to wait for boys on missions, my Dad says that if it's meant to be it'll happen and to just keep dating, even my young women leaders tell me I shouldn't miss out on all of the fun that I can have by dating while he's gone. I even asked my Bishop and he wouldn't tell me what I should do, but he said that it helps missionaries focus if they don't have to worry about a girlfriend at home. I don't want to ignore everybody but I just don't know if their advice applies to me, what do you two think?

Signed,

Pre-Mi

Peter: Pre-Mi, it sounds like you've given this an awful lot of thought. It sounds like you understand all of the reasons to tell your boy good luck and good bye, so I'm not sure what else you want to hear from me except permission to keep him, and if all you want is permission, then sure why not. It's a real sacrifice, you're deciding to make for him, and it's completely unnecessary, and besides a cute story that will make others feel bad about not being in as perfect of a relationship it won't give you any benefit, but if you want to make a specific decision to wait...it's your two years not mine.

Molly: I think what my sarcastic sidekick is getting at is that this isn't as big a choice right now as you think it is. If you want, promise to keep writing, it's not like you can really be dating while he's gone, then when you get asked out, make the decision then, and one at a time. Ask do I want to go out with this guy. You can decide to "Not Wait" without deciding that you're relationship is over.

Peter: I don't want to write myself out of a job, but when all of the adults in your life are giving you the same advice, then most of the time that's the right advice. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the moment that it's hard to see everything, but if the choice is obvious then everyone who sees it will be able to tell. I assume that you trust your parents, bishop and young women's leaders, and they know you, him and the situation then I ever could.

Molly: Peter is right about seeking the best counsel, but don't ever forget the difference between counsel and a decision. You're the one that's going to have to live with whatever decision you make. There are consequences for dating others, you may get swept away, and you may end what could have been a great relationship, maybe those are risks worth taking but lets not pretend they aren't risks.

Peter: If you go out on other dates and meet someone who works better for you, then great, but if you don't, then at least you'll appreciate your missionary more when he gets home. Perhaps when you do start to see all of his flaws they won't seem like such a big deal. There are no downsides to dating others while he's away.

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What Should She do with Man Stealing Friend?

Peter & Molly,

So a couple of weeks ago a new guy moved into our ward. I told my best friend in the whole world, how cute I thought he was and that same day he started talking to me too. So since then we've been talking at school and mutual and like that. Well today I found out that my best friend asked him out to go see a movie, because "he doesn't know a lot of people around here yet." What? He knows me, and she knows I like him, and she didn't even say anything to me about it. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Back Stabbed BFF

BFF,

How old are you?

I don't know why it matters, but I'm 17. Thanks, for the help.

Peter: BFF, It matters that you're 17 because it's probably not the best idea to have a steady boyfriend right now anyway, so the fact that your friend is going out with him, means little. Keep flirting with him, have fun with him, maybe even go out every once in a while.

Molly: Peter, I'm sure that's what you would want if you were the new boy in town, but even though BFF isn't serious dating yet, that doesn't mean it's okay for your friend to blindside you. You had talked about this boy before. You should tell her that you're hurt. But make sure not to blame her, or you'll have a big fight, just talk about your feelings.

Peter: Better yet, ask her to double, bring another friend along, and all have a good time. It's a movie, not her wedding.

Molly: But it's possible that it will become something long term, and for a friend to bully her way in without even talking about it, isn't respectful of BFF's feelings.

Peter: It sounds like your saying once a girl claims a boy, no one else can touch him, that sounds awfully possessive of men, almost like they are the property of women.

Molly: Not nobody, just your best friend.

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Modesty Reviewed

Peter and Molly,
I am a full grown man, but I have a similar question to High School Hunk. What exactly am I supposed to do when I see women who are clearly dressing to show off their undergarments. It doesn't matter if I'm at the office, or shopping, or unfortunately even at church. Apparently it would be off limits to mention anything about it, but what am I supposed to do? Stare at the ceiling? Immodest clothing is distracting, is there any way to respond that is appropriate?
Sincerely,
Not looking

Molly: Not Looking, start looking at them, in the eyes. I think you are trying to create a problem where there isn't one. I love men's calves something special, yet I can manage to watch a church basketball game without objectifying all the men there.

Peter: Your situation is different because you can't quote sections of the Strength of Youth pamphlet to the people you work with or that help you at the store. If you are a supervisor and clothing is not professional you can say so. Otherwise do your best to keep your thoughts clean. Don't worry about offending them, no one shows off things they don't want you to see.

Molly: Even if their purpose is to share (which is not necessarily the case) do not stare, members of the church should not be synonymous with dirty old men. Find some self-control and look them in the eyes.

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Easter Bunny Sunday

Happy Easter, we thought that this blog was appropriate for the week before Easter Sunday, however, you may not want to have your very young children read it, unless you think it's okay first.

Dear Peter and Molly,
My husband and I have a disagreement that we can't come to a conclusion on, and so we wanted your opinion. I want to tell my children about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, he says that how will our children believe in the important things we tell them about Christ if they found out we were lying about Santa. I say it's not that hard because they'll see how Christ is an important part of adult life, where as the others are not. Our oldest will be having his first Christmas soon, what should we do?
Sincerely,
Not the Grinch

Peter: Does that mean your husband's a grinch? I have nothing against Santa Claus, just like I don't have anything against Tom Sawyer. They are fictional characters, and fiction is very good for teaching truths. Santa is very helpful for teaching about generosity and the gift of Christ, and the Easter Bunny is great for learning about new life. I don't understand the elaborate means we go to in order to shelter children from the fact that these characters are fiction.

Molly: I know that there is a good argument to be had on the other side, but this is something that I agree with Peter on. Francis Church fibbed to little Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. Christ was real, he lived, and he lives. Santa Claus is a great story, and clearly it means a lot to many people. I would suggest that you don't go out of your way to tell other people's children that Santa and the Eater Bunny are fiction, but I would suggest that you help your children get in the habit of believing what you say.

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Was Abinadi a Good Missionary?

Dear Peter and Molly,
I know that sometimes the two of you like to take off the wall scripture questions, well I have one for you. Do we need to regard Book of Mormon prophets as good at what they do? I recently read the story of Abinadi, and thought that his missionary approach was rather forceful. He never tried to help King Noah change his perspective, he basically just kept telling him and his priests they were sinners. We're taught that we should try and build relationships, and build on common ground. Could the fact that Abinadi's mission had such limited effect actually be read as a cautionary tale in the scriptures, or would this reading be off the mark?
Sincerely,
Amateur Scriptorian

Peter: Amateur, first things first only an apostle has the authority to give a definitive interpretation of the scriptures, but you're right Molly and I do enjoy having a nice conversation to help us all understand the scriptures better, but it can only be a conversation. I think that you're missing the point of Abinadi's story. First, his message came from the Lord, and so clearly there was a reason why he needed to be so authoritative. Second, the reason is pretty clear, Abinadi's mission converted Alma, who ended up being the High Priest, and his son played a major role in converting thousands of individuals. The work of the Lord could not have been accomplished without Abinadi preaching to Alma.

Molly: We should be hesitant to criticize anyone who gave their life for the work of the Lord, but that doesn't mean we can't learn lessons from their life. Peter's interpretation requires that we assume another approach wouldn't have appealed to Alma as well as others. We see a good example when several years later Ammon takes a different missionary approach than Aaron. Aaron's approach is more direct like Abinadi, and while he has much success, it doesn't match the impact that Ammon had when he took an approach more focussed on service to others.

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Tell Her to Dress Modestly?

Dear Molly & Peter,

I am in high school, and enjoy going out with a bunch of friends to do things. There was a girl that just moved into our ward. Her family only joined the church a couple of years ago, and you can totally tell because of the way she dresses. It's just a little immodest. I really like her, in a friend and in a maybe more than a friend way, and she's gone out with us before, but only as other guys' date. I want to ask her out, but I wouldn't want to be on a date with someone who was dressed immodestly. Then again I know she's new to the church so I don't want to be judgmental.

Sincerely,

High School Hunk

Peter: Hunk, I'm laughing right now trying to write that, I think your decision is admirable, however, you wouldn't want the other girls in your ward and stake to get the impression that dressing the way your friend does will help them get a date. Ask your friend out, but tell her that you already think she's so beautiful that you want to be able to focus on other things when you go out, without distractions, so maybe she could wear something that would help you out.

Molly: Please, never say that to her. Especially as a man. Yes modesty is important, but it's important as a sign of respect between a woman and herself. Your desire to not be seen with someone who you think isn't modest enough reeks of a desire to control women and make them cover up. Trust me she will learn about the reasons for modesty eventually from more appropriate sources.

Peter: I know that somehow boys are evil for not being able to control their sexual thoughts and that suggesting that women could help out a little bit is somehow hopelessly sexist, yet it's also the truth. If Hunk is worried about modesty that should be something that should be commended not shamed.

Molly: If he was worried about his own modesty then I would commend him but "Hunk" doesn't seem worried about that he seems worried about what other people are going to think about him if they see him with a woman that doesn't fit his requirements for modesty, that's a problem.

Peter: These aren't his requirements for modesty, they are widely accepted standards that he hears in youth, Sacrament, and in the Strength of Youth pamphlet, and he wants to encourage better behavior.

Molly: Well the way a woman wants to treat her body is none of his business and he shouldn't think that just because he wants to take her on a date, he has the right to dictate to her how to treat it.

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Should She Tell a Priest to Cut His Hair?

Dear Peter and Molly,

There is a Priest in my ward and everyone seems to love him, but apparently no one has bothered to mention to him that priesthood holders need to look the part. His hair is now down to his shoulders. I know that some parents want to pick their battles, and many think that your hair length, and by default how you present yourself to the world isn't important enough to talk about, but at least they should know that there are consequences for looking like a slob, mainly that you can't represent the Lord in blessing the Sacrament. The other thing is that he is working with food, and he doesn't put his hair back into a pony tail, or wear a hair net or anything. Who should I talk to? It seems like the Bishop would already know, should I tell him directly how uncomfortable he makes the sacrament, or should I talk to his parents?

Sincerely,

Grossed Out

Peter: GO, thanks for writing. I think your point that those who are blessing and passing the Sacrament should understand that they are both representing the Lord and handling food, and should look and behave accordingly is an important one, and if one of them was writing to me I would be sure to mention it to them. But you wrote to me, and I think to you I'd have to answer don't talk to anyone.

Molly: Amen. I certainly stand with you in expecting our priesthood holders to live up to the standards that they say they do, but unlike the other letter we posted today, the priest in your ward has never made a covenant to keep his hair short. You could say that by taking the name of Christ upon himself looking his best was implied, but looking your best and looking like a conservative mainstream Mormon are not always the same thing.

Peter: In fact maybe he's just trying to look more like the Savior when he blessed the first sacrament. Seriously, though, there are many legitimate reasons for him to keep his hair long. He could be growing it out to perform in a play, he could have sensitive skin and cutting his hair could be very painful.

Molly: He could be growing it out for Locks of Love.

Peter: Even if none of those things are true, we can't look for reasons to try and disqualify the priests, or else we'll find them. That age in life is hard enough. If growing his hair out is the way he is funneling all his rebellious tendencies, then more power to him.

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